Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been around . . . a friend came down so I wasn't bored after all.
So STILL no word from my H. So I just tried to give him a buzz (to find out if he was late getting home . . he was still in FL yesterday when we talked . . or so he says) BUT . . . his phone is "shut off" as in I get the message saying this user no longer has service.
SO . . . I am thinking he bailed again and even got his new phone (as he was planning to do with weekend anyway). So . . . now I really have no way to get a hold of him about anything. Not even related to the girls. What a wonderful father . . . I always knew he was a great husband *eye roll here* . . . but jeesh.
Yes . . I know I expected this . . .but it still put my stomach in a knot. How low. He calls and sweettalks . . even yesterday . . . and then he just changes his number and runs????? WTF???
Now I could be wrong . . and it could have gotten shut off and he isn't home yet . . but how should I know. How frustraighting . . . I feel like we were taking some real steps there for a minute and he turns tail again. At least I didn't have all my hopes and dreams in him again. Although I was looking forward to seeing him. I guess it could still happen. I guess only time will time. Until then . . . This is Emily . . upset but not crushed. A little heartbroken . . but not devastated. . . waiting for a good slap in the ole eye . . . from you AmyC. Love you all much! Thanks guys. I'll be around!
Quote: This is Emily . . upset but not crushed. A little heartbroken . . but not devastated. . .
Reminded me of some lyrics...
"...pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure, His joy's gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning!"
If I hadnt made me, I wouldve been made somehow If I hadnt assembled myself, Id have fallen apart by now If I hadnt made me, Id be more inclined to bow Powers that be, would have swallowed me up But thats more than I can allow Bow, aww yeah
If you let them make you, theyll make you paper mache At a distance youre strong, until the wind comes Then you crumble and blow away If you let them f*ck you, there will be no fore-play Rest assured, theyll screw you complete Til your ass is blue and gray
You should make amends with you If only for better health, better health But if you really want to live Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself Make yourself
If I hadnt made me, Id have fallen apart by now I wont let them make me, its more than I can allow So when I make me, I wont be paper mache And if I f*ck me, Ill f*ck me my own way
Pow, f*ck me in my own way Pow, f*ck me in my own way Pow, f*ck me in my own way I'll f*ck me in my own way
You should make amends with you If only for better health, better health But if you really want to live Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself Make yourself Make yourself Make yourself
Make Yourself - Incubus
So still no word from H. His phone says, "The user you have called temporary does not have service. Error Message (whatever)."
I will answer you Amy . . already did actually. . . I called to see if he was just still on the road or if he was turning tail again. As many times as he has done this . . . I should know EVERY sign along the road.
So yup . . . . once again . . . .
I am GOOD at letting myself get played. I wonder if I'll ever reach the no more point? Do you think any of us here ever do? Or will I honestly sit here for years waiting for this "man" to come back? If he called in two weeks and wanted to come "home" again . . I'd tell him to come visit . . . is that stupid?
I ALWAYS say, "If I'm going to screw up I'm taking it ALL the way." I guess this is NO different. I'm willing to go the WHOLE way into f-up land just to see this sucker through.
September 11 is my conference date for the support. I asked a friend if she could see about getting the day off and taking me. So then my parents could watch the girls and I feel it would be MUCH less stressful that way. She's looking into it for me.
This is wonderful. It's a rainy gray day . . and I'm going to wonder all day if he's going to show up or not. GRRRRRR. . . . I'm actually pretty darn angry. He probably got his support papers lastnight when he got home and got so p*ssed off he decide to say F her! Oh well . . . .
I just wanted to add that I mostly feel calm but it's like there are a bunch of bats flying around inside me every great once and I awhile. I call it "batwings" Like "butterflies" (GOD I HATE THIS . . that's why he calls her butterfly) are suppose to be excitement . . batwings are when you are anticipating something bad coming.
I'm doing alright I guess. . . but I sure could us some reinforcement. I prayed lastnight . . . and I actually felt a black "cloud" leaving me . . . and I felt TOTAL peace for awhile. But after tossing and turning ALL night . . . the seed has been replanted and I am starting to panic.
