wHAT ARE YOU DOING????????? MY SWEET LOVELY, SEXY, PRECIOUS DEAR.. You are growing up and also detaching you are seeing that you are a worthwhile woman I have no advice for what to do ,,, but will tell you do not give in,, keep following your heart and your strength. Do not let him come and ruin it, my stilettos are still ready...LMAO You are a beautiful Woman Emily and you are well on your way. If when he comes around it brings you down then work on your strategy for not letting him take away your spirit. .......he does not deserve to take what you have worked so hard for. I will not allow you to. You still have my email. Feel free to drop me a line any time you need encouragement. I am here for you.{{{ I do not always get to the board every day so by all means send an email}} I want to be here for you when the day comes and you say " I am so F*CKING happy I can not stand it ,it feels soooooooo good!!" I want you to know happiness to know joy and to live in the truth. Give those gifts to yourself honey....you deserve it and your daughters will grow up to be beautiful , beautiful Women.And you will finally know peace. God bless...
I have thought about it and the pain that Kevin has inflicted on you is so recent and your newfound self worth so fresh that I am going to suggest you not let Kevin come this weekend.
If you feel that him visiting now is only going to set you back (and I believe it will) tell him no, you are not ready to see him now.
I have never read about much interaction between him and the children anyway so I don't necessarily think preventing him from seeing them THIS time is cruel on your part.
While it will never be okay for you to keep him from the kids unless he is a serious danger to them, at this stage in your situation, my advice would be to do just that. Unless having them be at your Mom's house or your Sister's house for a couple of hours where he can visit them without you present is an option, I say tell him not to come this time.
You have been hit too hard, repeatedly by his selfish, outright vicious and adulterous behavior. In 5 minutes he can tear down what you have worked for weeks to build and I just don't think he deserves that opportunity right now.
I think you need to continue on this path you are on, for your sake and for the kids sakes. Kevin removed himself from the equation and the work that has to be done towards a reconciliation is mostly on his part. He is not worth you falling back into the same dysfunctional thought patterns you are only now starting to grow out of.
Soon though, you will be even stronger and then you will be ready to see him and he won't be as much of a threat to your feelings of self-worth & self-confidence.
IMO, it's just not a risk I think you should take.
And he hasn't even earned the right to ask you to.
He called just a few minutes ago and asked me to do him a favor. So I did. Being the nice me and all. I called him back and let him know what I had found out and he would only say yeah . . OK . . . yeah. . etc. BECAUSE SHE was standing right there.
WHAT BULLSH*T . . I am expected to cram it all down and except the fact . . . and he catters to her?
HELL NO!!! HELL NO! NO WAY! I am furious!
I am sick of him treating me like sh*t sooooooo sick of it. I don't know what I'll do this weekend. I don't know what he'll do this weekend. I'm leaving that decision until tomorrow. I'm fasting tonight with the prayer circle . . and I'm going to see how I feel about it tomorrow AFTER he makes decision as to whether or not he is definately leaving her.
He says he is . . . but we shall see.
I am fed up with the sitch. I'm ready to wash my hands of the whole sh*tting thing . . I mean I tried . . what more can I do? I'm tired of fighting HIS battles. . . I think I'm putting down the sword and walking away. I'm ready to be happy. . . and he just doesn't make me happy.
Maybe I'll change my mind. I think I could stand seeing him . . as long as it was only as the father of my children . . .cause he certainly means zero to me.
It seems cold to say . . . but I don't feel much for him anymore.
I hate the thought of divorce . . . but can't I stand this marriage anymore. I won't file or make any rash moves. . . I don't really know how to tell him I just don't feel it anymore . . . I know how that always made me feel and I still honestly feel that this R deserves EVERYTHING I have . . . The ball is in his court. It's time for him to call the shots AND make the plays.
The man is STUCK in a TRUCK with this woman. What do you expect him to do? Do you think the next 24 hours would be tolerable if he talks to you in front of her??? She'd make his life HECK!!! He's just trying to keep his head down until he can drop her off.
There are a lot of things to be mad at your H about, but this isn't one of them! And by getting all po'd about it, you start to look like "crazy Emily" and he will start to feel like there's no use coming home, you'll just scream at him anyway.
Once he's at your place, professing his love for you and willingness to do whatever it takes, you can always ask him to call OW in front of you and tell her it's over. But really, right now you're not being reasonable about the tough spot he's put himself in. Continue to look good in comparison to OW by being calm.
Quote: Continue to look good in comparison to OW by being calm.
Oh I was sugar and cream to him on the phone. . I said, "You can't say anything cause she's right there huh?" He replied, "Yeah." I said," OK well ILY and I'll talk to you later." He said,"OK . . bye." "Bye." Hung up. That was the whole tail end of the convo. He had asked me to call the borough and find out who to get ahold of so he can park his truck up here. I called and actually talked to the Chief Of Police and he told me right where it could get parked . . . so that cut out a few steps for my H. I was so excited . . . I thought he would be to . . so I called him back . . I guess that was a mistake. I just wanted to show him that I do still care and that I am still willing to do some work for "us". OOOPS.
The only thing I did was pi$$ myself off. He doesn't deserve any of the things I do for him. The whole reason it needed done was because he'll get into PA late on Friday . . . and then on Sunday he has a run that has to be to NY somewhere by 9PM. So he was hoping to just run the truck up to here I guess. So much for time off I guess
I am just so furious. . . It makes it look just like always . . . like he is just trying to keep her happy and have me on the side. He should have to live in the same hell I have been . . there shouldn't be an easy route for him. But as always I left him off with a slap on the wrist . . and I bite my tongue.
This was left for Amy . . but it said A LOT to me so I am posting it here . . .that way maybe I'll reread and remember it.
Quote: Don't think so Amy. There are as many paths as there are thoughts. It's real frustrating to think you've only got two choices, that's not rational thinking Amy. That's why most people end up D. Because they think there's only two options, in or out. But there's this huge middle ground that some of us not so fondly call limbo. It's that time of indecision, unmet expectations, unsurety, fear, instability, and soul searching. It's that dark night that feels like hell until it's embraced. Until the monster is stared down and defeated through courage, strength and faith. You know your coming out of it when you begin to accept and embrace your life just the way it is and find peace and joy in the moment. Trusting that everything happens for a purpose, that God has a plan for our lives. It is a long road with many turns and snags. Take the road less traveled by Amy. The one that God will lay out before you if you ask Him to.
I am very confused. I am trying to take my sitch back . . that's why I am battling this now. I am trying to see only in black and white . . but there are definately shades of gray. Is my H right? HELL NO. Am I? No.
I just need to recline and watch my wave . . . jeesh! Stupid Emily thinking she can always take care of anything.
I probably wouldn't fight God over this half as hard if I was really ready for my M to be over . . because I wouldn't care which way it went. But I DO! That's why I get stressed out and hope my H will make the right decisions. Has he yet though? NO Maybe he really will change . . . although I have seen NO forward motion what so ever. I mean what he did today REALLY hurt me and made me feel like $hit. Should I tell him or should I once again eat my tongue?
Just dropping by. I do agree with AmyC about your H - I don't think you are ready to see him yet because his BS continues to bother you (as it would most...).
If he wants to see the girls, then try to arrange a neutral place for him to see them without you present (and where you can be sure your girls are safe).
You are taking your sitch back - you already have. You are detaching from your H and working/focusing only on Emily and your little angels. So you are taking your sitch back.
What you cannot control is your H. Do me a favor, say the Serenity Prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You already know you cannot control your H, but you can control your sitch. You can influence your sitch and your H - but this shouldn't really be a primary goal - just a by product. I really think your H needs to miss you, he needs to want you, he needs to want to change so that Emily will take him back. But IMHO, you are not ready to see him.
Regarding the sex drive thing......As a man who during his over 13 year M was very lucky in terms of ML with my W (last several years sometimes at least once per day) plus just being a man - I know the whole strong sex drive thing. There are many here that may be in the same boat. Try not to let this "drive" you towards your H. Yes - there are other ways to take care of this for now and while it may not be as good as the real thing - anything you do with your H IS NOT GOING TO BE THE REAL THING and may only serve to mess you up mentally. A lot more men can have sex and treat it like it was "just sex". But for women, many more of them treat "just sex" as ML - it is more emotional for women. I think the Mars/Venus in the Bedroom books are good for explaining this. So at all costs - don't have sex with your H right now. IMHO - it really will just set you back and allow your H to continue to be a cake eater!
Hang in there and be strong. It is good you are praying more now - it does help doesn't it? I will continue prayers for you and for your little ones.
I KNOW IT HURT THAT HE CAN NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HE IS TALKING TO YOU. IT IS FRUSTRATING----------------> DEEP BREATH AND LET IT GO... .... BUT THINK FOR A MOMENT THAT ALL IS NOT WELL IN THEIR f8CKED UP "PARADISE". IF SHE LOVED HERSELF AND HIM ENOUGH HE COULD SAY HE WAS TALKING TO THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN AND SHE WOULD BE OK. YOU ARE OK TALKING TO HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS WITH ow. STAY ON THE HIGH ROAD AND BE CALM. YOU ARE A SHINING STAR STAYING CALM, WHEN YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BLOW UP. YOU ARE DOING WELL ,, KEEP IT UP.. GOD BLESS...
Thanks Santhony and Alimari! My fast starts in like 40 minutes . . . something good will come from all of this! I can feel it.
I'd like to give it a shot this weekend. I feel up to the task. I feel ready. I know I am the one who said I wasn't . . . but I tried to take it back from God and I was struggling by myself. I think I am stronge enough. If my H dumps her off and wants to come visit on Sat. I am going to allow him to do so. I mean . . . I think I can be friendly without allowing it to go to far. If I change my mind between now and then . . so be it. But as of right now . . . I feel peaceful and ready.
It's a hard battle and the more I put it off the harder it will become. I feel that I have to face this HEAD ON . . . and now. I feel that now is the time to face my demons and see if I am capable of what I am asking. If I wait there is so much time to doubt, question, and make excuses. I'm tired of the excuses and I'm tired of fighting this.
So . . .we will see what transpires. I am going to continue riding this wave . . until my H makes the next move . . I'm idling saving my engery and preparing for whatever I may have to do.
