The thing that struck me about the post about your birthday was the extent to which it reveals your wife as not just disengaged from you but disengaged from family activities. I mean even if I was feeling estranged, bitter and hateful toward my H, I would help my children celebrate his birthday.
This sort of points to something I've been thinking about your sich. You're miserable yet you're unwilling to change the status quo for a variety of good intentioned reasons. I think this stance gives you a feeling of control which you really don't have because you might be seriously underestimating your W's willingness to be the "bad guy" or ability to rationalize doing some "bad" things. Her sense of entitlement or feelings of resentment may cause her to take action that will violate the unstated treaty between the two of you of "We're staying together for the good of the kids.". For instance, let's say she gets a great job offer in a city 300 miles away. Why wouldn't she take it? This is why I would advise that you should take action. IMO you're exhausting yourself by taking on all the responsibility for bailing water from a sinking boat while your W is scanning the horizon looking for a relatively attractive, safe place to jump ship. If you stop bailing, she will have to either jump before she's ready, start bailing herself or actually work with you to fix the boat. (I know this analogy is in direct opposition to the Schnarchian differentiation analogy but I don't think they're incompatible )
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
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