I’m back from vacation, and playing catchup now. Had a great time!
The chance that she'd just agree to cut and run, though, seems more likely to me than her actually putting in the effort to see that my needs or views might be valid.
And that really scares the sh!t out of me.
And this is why she has her hooks in you and can dance you around like a puppet. BUT, how do you know this is true? How much is this perception is due to some true level of “cut & run” within her and how much is due to your fear of being abandoned? Personally I see your wife as a lot like mine. All her shouting, threats, ultimatums, jumping to conclusions, are all just ways to intimidate and exert control. If you call her bluff, she will no longer be able to use these actions against you.
For me, there was (and is) a certain amount of fear to moving into the dominant, alpha male position, even though I think it is something I want and need. It would be so much more comforting, secure and easy to have someone else just take care of me. It’s just the secondary affects I don’t like (sort of like my teenage daughters who want more freedoms but not the responsibilities that come with them).
But setting boundaries and controlling the expression of rude/abusive/controlling behavior in your spouse means that you MUST accept a certain level of independence and aloneness as a lifestyle. Otherwise you can too easily become dependent and fall right back into the helpless position you find yourself in.
It is not easy to come to this realization. In my opinion, you can either wait until you get so pissed and resentful that you welcome a divorce (which I think is actually the easier thing to do since you do not need to face your fears – they are masked over by the anger) or you can take the tougher road of becoming independent (detaching) while facing your abandonment fears as you move through each step. Staying stuck is just denial and wishful thinking. Nothing is going to change. CeMar can testify to that.
