I hear your pain and frustration and I also fall into your predicament from time to time. In your comments I hear some tone of resignation and acceptance of getting less than you want, but most importantly, I think, is your acceptance about being “trapped.” I think your wife knows of your frustration, your unhappiness, but as long as she knows you feel trapped and that you will not do anything about it, I think she will continue to exploit the situation.
To me, the only way out of this mess, and to stay happily in the marriage, is to decide that you are ready and willing to leave the marriage. Deciding that you have reached the end of your rope, are now looking out for your best interests, and are willing to leave in order to find someone else is the only signal that I think your wife will heed. Anything less is just noise and you have conditioned her to tolerate a lot of noise with no consequence. For her to take your needs seriously means you must be serious about change. That means you must come to the point that you are ready to divorce.
Many other couples do not need to reach such a critical level for the spouse to make necessary changes. Your marriage (and mine) does not seem to be like that. I think CeMar is in a similar boat. How long has he been on this board complaining about the same thing without his marriage moving forward one inch? I think his wife knows that he will not leave, will not set and follow through on consequences that are of a concern to her, and therefore will not change. She doesn’t have to, and as the women one this board have figured out, it doesn’t seem that he is giving her any positive incentive to change either.
So I don’t think you have reach “critical mass” or a stage of capitulation yet. Until you do, I think you will remain stuck. So in your interest, I think you should consider whether you really want to sentence yourself to years of being stuck in limbo, avoiding a decision that in so doing could eventually make you very bitter and lessen your chances of finding someone else in the future. Possibly it is better to realistically re-evaluate your situation for what it is, looking only where you are and what the future holds (throwing out the emotional chains that hold you to the past) if you stay on your current path.
So ironically, by deciding that your only happiness can be found by leaving the marriage, I think you will have the best chance to save your marriage.
