Hi all. My C suggested I think on the following sentence, and we'll discuss it during our session tomorrow:
"How does a married man appropriately nurture himself?"
This, to me, comes under the heading of "getting a life" (GAL) and, to some extent, continuing my daily habit of writing down a positive affirmation about myself. But we had been discussing the dearth of physical affection between my W and me, and, to me, there is little that a married man can "appropriately" do to fill the void that exists because your loved one refuses to give you more than nominal physical attention.
You got it, annette. I suppose I should add that answers like "bubble baths" "make yourself an ice cream sundae" and "sleep in late on Sunday" will be ridiculed. Also, anything that costs money is out of the question (e.g. massage, prostitute, heroin, cosmetic surgery, Fleshlight(tm), Adultfriendfinder.com, new puppy, etc.)
Change the question to "How does anyone appropriately nurture his or herself?". I would suggest that first you figure out what you as an individual need in order to be whole and healthy. Next you figure out to what extent you can provide these things for yourself directly and to what extent these needs can only be filled within a social framework. Then you do whatever is necessary to meet your own needs directly and you do whatever is necessary to meet your social needs by building social ties that will meet these needs. If you determine that you are an individual who needs regular sex within the social framework of a committed relationship in order to be whole and healthy then you must do whatever is necessary in order to meet this need including dissolving your current relationship and forming a new one if necessary. Anything else is an act of self-destruction which can't possibly do any good for anyone.
REPEAT AFTER ME (and Corri): I will not stay in a sexless marriage. I understand that sex within marriage is not important to you but it is important to ME. If you want to remain married to ME, you must make sex within marriage a priority. This is a serious problem which will deeply damage our marriage the longer we delay in solving it. We must come to an agreement about including sex in our marriage on a regular basis by ______________ or I shall take (some first step towards breaking our marital or emotional ties.). Love, Hairdog.
You have been on this BB long enough to know that this is what you have to do. Good luck my friend!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Fleshlight(tm), HD, here is a recommended one that is half price Purple Pickle Pleaser add some Forplay lube 2.25oz -- $8.95 or some other things Tickle Kitty toys. The site owner has a Dr/PhD Sadie Allison and was on a TV program (re-run) last week. She also wrote several books.
RE Jenny "How does anyone appropriately nurture his or herself?". I would suggest that first you figure out what you as an individual need in order to be whole and healthy Good starting place.
We all know what we miss or don't like in our own R. Like others have said, it is more work to come up with a list of what we want and what we are willing "to do" to get there.
I have been effectively asking that question for several years. No one ever gives a real answer that works. You can do all kinds of things to GAL, and yet you will still be unhappy, because your overall need of having a lover is completely UNFILLED. When a guy gets married, he effectively puts ALL of his eggs in one basket, his strongest most important needs are all PHYSICAL in nature, and he has committted himself to one and ONLY one person to meet ALL of those needs. Women on the other hand have needs that are usually NOT physical in nature and thus ANYONE in their lives can provide this. This is NOT true for men, unless we cheat.
I am still trying to get the David Deida books, but from what I understand of the passages I have read, men need to focus on becoming men again. Focus on male aspects and stop trying to please a women. In theory, your women will then desire you more. But he also seems to indicate that is they don't, then you as the strong alpha male must realise this and MOVE ON, their are better fish to catch in the ocean. In other words, stop trying to please her. Make yourself a strong confident man with MALE goals and if she does not work out for you, have no fear of DUMPING her. Not exactly a christian perspective on things.
Let us know how your discussion goes with the MC, I would really like to see their perspective on this subject.
Hey HD, Nerd input ahead, so ignore if so inclined.
After being nurturing to the spouse by letting get more involved, i.e. quilting group, art group, more church involvement. I re-upped what I was doing after down adjusting after the kiddo arrived. So I've done one more SF con this year than in the past, I ran for and was elected president of the local humanist association(so am now both president and cable TV program producer/host)(aside 2.0 I was in a cat herding mood again). The nice thing about these activities is that they are relatively cheap, get you out of the house and many times hanging out with like minded people, although in my case this means being able to watch and watch only cute Klingon chicks.
Nerd advice ended. Your results may vary.
Scott
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
All you can do is probably give your self the kind of physical pleasuring that you are missing from your wife. Try masterbating without fantasy or using porn and just enjoy the physical experience of being sexual with yourself and not just rushing to get yourself off.
NotATLDAVE and I had this discussion once... after all the shrink help, all the book reading, posting here, etc., he and I both came to the same conclusion:
Do whatever pleases you within your own moral framework.
or some other things