My whole sitch is too long to read in one sitting, but here is a link to my last thread: Long Distance M or LRT?
Cliff's notes version: M 15 yrs, S14, S11, D10. W multiple PA's over several years - all deliberatly destructive in nature. W has history of emotional abuse from mother and father, estranged from both. MC about 1 yr ago - for 1 1/2 yrs.
God has provided me Patience and as long as I lean on him, a gentle spirit, and allowed me to work through all the pain and quarrels.
New stuff:
Sold our home in January. W moved kids into apartment in suburb of Dayton - 3 hours away from where I work. She went through the motions of viewing some rentals near where I worked, but went into an outburst of rage at the first house and has always found something wrong with other places I took her to see. I finally decided I was wasting my time and did not look for any more rentals.
W finds out she is living in a slum. Sewage backed up into her living room and kitchen. Washing machine drain constantly backs up and floods the kitchen. She works for months to get these resolved, getting health department involved. I help by providing long distance support.
W finally says she has to get out of the apartment because nothing is getting fixed and she never knows when maintenance is coming in, and when they do come they show up unscheduled and leave the door unlocked. So we break the lease and W and kids move in with my parents and we start looking for a rental.
W wakes up one morning and said God spoke to her and told her to get a job in Cleveland, that she is not supposed to go to Dayton. W finds several rentals but instead of going to see them, leaves and drives back to Dayton - claims she is looking for a job. She says Cleveland (50 minutes from farm where I work) is too close to where she grew up. She has no comment on why she is ignoring what she said God said to her.
I decide on one of the rentals and ask W to go look at it. She takes S 11 and they both like it. That evening I come in from work and W is on phone with someone - she tells me to get out of the room. I pick up another extension and hear a strange man's voice. I go back into my room and ask W if she called him or he called her, because I was not going to pay a long distance phone call for her to start another affair. She begs om to call her back and he must say no, because she never gives him the number. I tell her to hang up. When she does not I tell her I'm going to count to five and unplug the phone, which I do.
W screams at me that she needs someone to talk to. I calmly tell her I'm right here and I'm the person she should and needs to talk to. W throws the phone at me, grabs me to push me out of the way so she can leave the room. I pack her stuff and put it in her truck.
W goes out to our office and calls OM. I get on an extension and say, "I am not kicking you out, but you have to choose to either be a part of this family or to leave it, and I will help you do which ever you choose"
W hangs up with OM and W and I talk for a while and I take W to a hotel to stay for two nights. While W is at hotel, with her approval, I move forward with the deal on the rental.
The morning I'm to sign for the rental I go to check W out of hotel. W is waiting for me outside hotel. As soon as she gets in car she tells me to drive her to a bank to get half our money because she is leaving me.
I stop at a Waffle house to get W and myself some breakfast. W continues in Waffle house that she is leaving me, she hates everything, I have no idea how much pain she is in, etc. etc. W refuses to order breakfast. I ask if she has any cash to pay for my coffee because I had given her all my cash when she went to the hotel. W pays for my coffee and we leave.
I ask W if she can be cordial while I sign for rental - she agrees she will.
W goes off again while signing for house - I start to put the whole deal on hold until I realize it's not going to be any different later. W says go ahead when she hears we can get into place today.
Start to drive to get truck to start moving in. W asks why aren't we going to get a phone, she needs to make some phone calls right away. I park the car and get out to walk because I recognize things are getting really out of hand. W gets out and walks to a cafe and buys a fruit drink. I catch up with her on the way back to the car and start driving again.
As soon as W sees me driving out of town she screams at me that she needs a phone. I explain we have a lot of moving to do and don't have time to spend on the phone. W screams I don't control her life and that we have to go get a phone. I ask her why, do you have to call OM?
W says, "Yes, and I'm calling OM1 and OM2."
I turn and drive towards rental. I speed into drive way and slam on brakes and yell at W to get out. I start taking W's stuff from hotel into house. W doesn't move. I go over to her door and scream at her and scream at her all the way into the house. I have no idea what I was yelling.
Before things really got out of hand I sat on the stairs in the house and W got in my face and asked if I feel bad. I said yes and she said, "Good, now you know how I feel all the time. I want you to feel bad"
I got up and started screaming again and grabbed W in a frustrated bear hug. W started to fall down so I lowered her to the floor and let go of her, but kept screaming. W got up and I continued screaming and raised my arms above my head and got right in her face. I told her to get back on the floor because that was where she belonged.
I remember telling W that when I called the hotel this morning and she didn't answer I thought she was dead and I was glad, I hoped she had committed suicide in her room.
W is in tears now and cowers back onto the floor into a corner. I say, "There, now you have a reason to call the police," and collapse onto the floor with my back against the door. W leaves by another door, goes to a neighbors and calls police. As W is walking down the streen I yell at her that I want her out of my life.
Doesn't sound a lot like pieceing anything together, does it.
This all happened yesterday. Since I left the BB almost a year ago, R has been going much better, and we were making some really good progress - until W met OM at the health dept in Dayton.
Anyway, I didn't know you could get arrested for yelling at your wife, but I don't know what she told them I did. I am confident that with God's help, I will piece my marriage back together again. I'm not sure I can call this a backslide, I think this is more of a start over and do it right this time.
As far as I know W and kids are staying at rental house - although all furniture is still in storage. W's brother may be coming to help her move today - I'd honestly help but W has temporary restraining order.
I can't fix what has happened, only start over and move forward. W has demonstrated and professed that she will not forgive or forget and will not move forward.
After I was arrested, W went to my parents to get her stuff and the kids. She exclaimed while she was trying to find a phone number to the storage building, "I wish I had parents to help me." She also told my mom, I guess you really aren't going to treat me like a daughter now.
My mom told W, "You continue to tell us that we don't treat you like family, what are we supposed to do?"
I did realize one thing out of this - the purpose of not saying ILY. Throughout the last 10 yrs, I have continued to tell W ILY, because she needed to hear it. Me not saying it would launch an outburst of anger from W. But I've realized I don't L W as she is now. When I say ILY, I am telling W she doesn't have to change. I can't make her change, but I have to stop affirming the person she is (that I don't like) by saying ILY.
I don't think you are in the right forum. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought this thread was for couples who are both on the same page and both want to work out the marital problems. You two seem like polar opposites in that regard.
Maybe you should move to Infidelity???
I'm no doctor but it seems like there are some radical mood swings going on. Are your children present during all of this screaming and fighting? Sounds like a very volatile environment.
I think you will both need some professional guidance to work this out. If W won't go, then go alone.
I wish you well.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanx for posting Spitfire, I've been on Infidelity forum and gotten a lot of help there - so much help that W's A's is not even an issue.
I thought a lot about were to start a new thread and finally decided the wisdom, experience, advice and kind words (and even not so kind) from the people in this forum is what I needed.
I think you are mostly correct about the purpose of this forum - for couples ready to work on the M problems, but I don't think they necessarily need to be on the same page, just ready to work. Your reply did help me realize I tried to encapsulate the year of progress we've made in a single sentence.
Up until yesterday, our R has steadily improved. W has started participating in my hobby as a wrestling official. We've gone on trips together. We've had great R talks and even started wearing our wedding bands, at W's request.
There are some radical mood swings - through counselling we have learned that most of these are a result of a "trigger" that sets off W's latent rage about her childhood. Most recently, my sister came home to live in the upstairs of my mother's and father's home. Just my mother making preperations for her daughter to come home set W off because "W doesn't have a mother or father that care about her."
So anyway, although my situation is dark and dreary right now, I am confident that if I do the right things, after Monday this will be the right forum and any prayers, comments and encouragements until I can post good news will be appreciated. If things continue to go down hill after Monday, I'll move to an appropriate forum.
I did post first in the prayer circle, prayer request but didn't want to list all the gory details of my day there.
Looks like I'll be starting a new thread in another forum. At the arraignment hearing, I asked the judge what the status of the current Temporary Protection Order was, so I could help move furniture into the house. W was there, and when asked what she wanted, she had the judge add the kids to a new TPO. Now I can't see her or our 3 children, or move anything into the house. It is definitely time for the Last Resort Technique.
The only thing keeping me going now is the knowledge that God has me in his arms. The Daily Bread reading for last Friday (which I didn't read until last night) was specifically about sometimes there is nothing you can do but rest in God. I've got things to do, but it sure is comforting to rest on the Lord.
2Timothy Im so sorry!I think your W past is something she has repressed.And its coming to haunt her relationships with you, and family.She needs to let go of her past.If we let pain and hurt control our lives we become bitter and we tend to push the ones we love most away, and that causes more pain an anger and emotional upset.I think your wife needs to deal with the pain of her past,so she can trueley love herself and with that she will restore her love for you.
I think you are correct. Before the current sitch, I mentioned something to W about our 16th wedding anniversary coming up, and that her father stopped seeing her and her brother when she was 16? I told her I thought she was recreating her childhood in our marriage, and she was subconciously trying to wreck things, since that is what happened in her childhood. She agreed that there was probably something to what I was saying.
W and I thought she had her childhood memories concerning her father resolved, guess we hit a new milestone that hadn't been addressed in her previous counselling.
I'm going to start looking for an SBT next week that will start seeing me individually, and then both W and I after my current sitch is resolved.
Doesn't sound a lot like pieceing anything together, does it. 