Sorry to hear about your situation - I can truly sympathize as I have a similar but not identicle situation.
Jackson - how can you have a discussion with your spouse when she views the sex/intimacy needs of her husband as "his problem"? How is this need a problem - isn't it the natural order of things? I doubt there is a woman in North America that doesn't know the importance of this aspect in a relationship to a man and a marriage.
I suspect you have discussed your feelings until you are blue in the face and the more you discuss the more convinced she sees this as your problem. If you back totally away from any discussion, action or activity on your part in this area, she will believe that your "problem" has been solved. She will be content that you are working two jobs so that she can go and visit her relatives. Somehow this doesn't seem like it will work for you in any way.
I don't think there are any good answers when you are faced with this. You can keep on trying what you are doing - maybe after yet another 10 years things will unexplainably improve - perhaps another 20 or 30 years? There are endless possibilities as to how this situation could play out, can't think of any realistic solution that is ideal - if your wife is happy that you are sleeping in another room and that you have given up on the idea of a physical relationship, I am not sure how couples councelling will help. She really seems to have an aversion to physical intamcy and her aversion is "your problem". In a traditional relationship, nly she can fix "your problem" unless you try to eliminate your need for physical intamcy, and I am not sure that is really possible without a major amount of drugs, operations or both.
I suspect that you will never have happiness until you have physical intamcy in your life and you probably are not excited about running around and looking for an affair or visiting cat houses. I suspect that you will only be able to affect a change with your wife when you are prepared to walk away from the marriage, you are prepared to confront her with that possibility, you really have thought through how that would happen and you are truly ready to do it. This is a desparate place to be and you may be driven there at some point barring some miracle change in your wife.
Sorry to be so gloomy, but I feel like I am in a similar place to you and share your feeling of dispair.
