I appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. Each of you had some relevant questions about the state of our relationship, and my own role in it. Let me give you a bit of background in hopes that your questions may be answered. We have been married for over 11 years, and we have 2 small children. From the beginning of our relationship, my wife has had difficulties with intimacy. She told me about her issues, and promised to work on them, and I, in turn, promised not to "pressure" her. Over the years, she has sought counseling, none of which seems to have had any impact at all. I have sought counseling for myself, and we have also attended counseling together. None of this has worked. In fact, I suggested that we stop seeing our last counselor because my wife was being less than fully honest with him. Unfortunately, I think none of the counselors has specialized in sex therapy, or sexual issues, but the fact is that there are no sex therapists anywhere near our home. And too, I guess that no counseling of any type will succeed when she hesitates to address the issues we need to address. I think that, after all this time, she considers it to be my problem, and not hers, or even, not ours. Our home life is not bad; we do not argue about things. I would guess that most people who see us, or who come into our home would guess that we are ideally suited for each other. As far as our living routine, we both work-I work full time, she works part-time and goes to school part-time. We have what seems to be a fairly equitable and flexible division of labor around the house. I do most of the cooking (and therefore the shopping) and the kitchen clean-up; she cleans the bathrooms; she does the laundry; I take care of the outside things (car, lawn, home repairs); we split the housecleaning; I help the kids with homework; we split the driving; etc. I think I could safely say that she has no issues with these areas. But, our lack of physical intimacy is leading me to disconnect emotionally to an extent that I consider myself alone. And frankly, I've never been so lonely in my life. About a year ago, because I felt so uncomfortable in our bed (the slightest movement on my part was always greeted with one of those exxagerated sighs of disgust or aggravation) I moved into the guest room. Although it is certainly not the most comfortable place to sleep, I remain there. As far as her other needs, and whether I am doing anything to meet them, I think that I would have to say I do (although of course, this is just my side); I cannot imagine what she might want or need from me that I am refusing her. I do things for her on a very regular basis-buy a nice bottle of wine to share with her, find a movie we can watch together, cook meals I know she likes,...try to let her find social outlets for both herself and for us together. Recently, I took on a second job so that she could go visit her family and friends for 2 months (they all live very far away from us). We will sometimes "cuddle" on the bed together (no, it does not lead to, nor include, any intimate activity). I guess the hardest thing for me to do now is realize that nothing will change for us, and that I have to give up on the relationship being something with which I can live. Of course, what that means is I destroy the stable family life of my children, and this is a crushing thought. I believe that my choice is either exist solely to provide an income and a stable family structure within which I find no joy or satisfaction, or I destroy a part of my children's lives. I guess I've sort of rambled, and I hope I've at least answered your questions.
