I give up. My life is a shambles. HD male here stuck, at least for the time being, in an SSM. For over 11 years now I have tried everything to make our marriage work, but it's been a completely one-sided effort. My wife is not only LD, she doesn't care at all that our divergent needs are causing problems in our marriage-rather, she considers the problems to be mine. Her idea of solving the problem is for me to simply get over it. Divorce sounds like a dream, but we've got 2 young children who would be devestated. I guess I just have to face the fact that the only value my life has is as a breadwinner and father. Our situation has caused me such depression, that I no longer care about anything, I'm closing myself off from friends, my job performance is suffering...please don't suggest counseling, I've tried it, we've tried it together, and by now, we've reached the end of our resources, or the resources of our geographical area. The first two thoughts I have every morning upon awakening are "damn, I lived through the night", and "good thing though, there isn't any life insurance." I don't expect any help here, your good intentions notwithstanding...I'm just running out of places to scream.
Quote: Re 101 I don't expect any help here, your good intentions notwithstanding...I'm just running out of places to scream.
Yes there are lots of good intentioned people here and you can scream/vent here if you want to.
A M/R is more than sex. What doesn't work? What works in the M/R?
If I were you, I would try individual counseling ASAP.
Lou
Of course a m/r needs more than sex, but I recognize that by now, my wife's lack of interest in sex, and her lack of interest in doing anything, even in considering my feelings on the issue, means that those other aspects are beginning to be degraded as well. What once were positive aspects are being eroded away.
So how are the day-to-day interactions between you two? Do you still try to meet her needs?
What would happen if you simply checked out of that role and started to cheerfully get a life for yourself? I think your wife is behaving like a spoiled princess who needs a wake up call, pronto. No one can give that to her besides you. Can you calmly tell her that the days of you meeting her needs and attempting to be a good spouse while she refuses to reciprocate are OVER..?
I think the fact that you are trying to be a good husband all the while running on empty is both depressing and demotivating you. Not to mention that, although I get the impression you'd never say it, it is causing massive resentment in you.
It is very hard to take all the marital goodies away without looking like you're being a jerk. In fact, in the beginning there is a definite Take That flavor to it that a spouse no *doubt* picks up on. However, it will become natural as time goes on and they will see that it isn't about being vindictive; it's about withdrawing from a toxic situation.
Then when she is ready to re-invest in the M, you can start fresh with both partners willing to give and receive.
Often when one person is seemingly blatanty disregarding your needs....they have needs of their own that are going unmet. So you find yourself at polar ends of issues...where you both seem to have the perspective that the other isn't doing what you'd like in the R. It becomes a vicious cycle at this point and the R can spiral downward and the two of you move in that vicious cycle in ever widening circles....away from each other.
I agree with Honeypot...counseling is a must right now for you two. I'm going to just take it a step further though and ask you to dig really deep and think about things that she might need of you that perhaps you don't do. What are things you did when the two of you were dating, that you no longer do...you know, the things she seemed to appreciate. I'm not asking you to do this as a way to say..."this is your fault", not at all. I'm merely suggesting this as a starting point....because we all have to have some place to start right, and well...since you're here....you're elected There's a good chance that if you can figure out (and you might even try asking her point-blank) what she's missing in the R...and then try to fill that void for her, that she'll start responding to you too.
I appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. Each of you had some relevant questions about the state of our relationship, and my own role in it. Let me give you a bit of background in hopes that your questions may be answered. We have been married for over 11 years, and we have 2 small children. From the beginning of our relationship, my wife has had difficulties with intimacy. She told me about her issues, and promised to work on them, and I, in turn, promised not to "pressure" her. Over the years, she has sought counseling, none of which seems to have had any impact at all. I have sought counseling for myself, and we have also attended counseling together. None of this has worked. In fact, I suggested that we stop seeing our last counselor because my wife was being less than fully honest with him. Unfortunately, I think none of the counselors has specialized in sex therapy, or sexual issues, but the fact is that there are no sex therapists anywhere near our home. And too, I guess that no counseling of any type will succeed when she hesitates to address the issues we need to address. I think that, after all this time, she considers it to be my problem, and not hers, or even, not ours. Our home life is not bad; we do not argue about things. I would guess that most people who see us, or who come into our home would guess that we are ideally suited for each other. As far as our living routine, we both work-I work full time, she works part-time and goes to school part-time. We have what seems to be a fairly equitable and flexible division of labor around the house. I do most of the cooking (and therefore the shopping) and the kitchen clean-up; she cleans the bathrooms; she does the laundry; I take care of the outside things (car, lawn, home repairs); we split the housecleaning; I help the kids with homework; we split the driving; etc. I think I could safely say that she has no issues with these areas. But, our lack of physical intimacy is leading me to disconnect emotionally to an extent that I consider myself alone. And frankly, I've never been so lonely in my life. About a year ago, because I felt so uncomfortable in our bed (the slightest movement on my part was always greeted with one of those exxagerated sighs of disgust or aggravation) I moved into the guest room. Although it is certainly not the most comfortable place to sleep, I remain there. As far as her other needs, and whether I am doing anything to meet them, I think that I would have to say I do (although of course, this is just my side); I cannot imagine what she might want or need from me that I am refusing her. I do things for her on a very regular basis-buy a nice bottle of wine to share with her, find a movie we can watch together, cook meals I know she likes,...try to let her find social outlets for both herself and for us together. Recently, I took on a second job so that she could go visit her family and friends for 2 months (they all live very far away from us). We will sometimes "cuddle" on the bed together (no, it does not lead to, nor include, any intimate activity). I guess the hardest thing for me to do now is realize that nothing will change for us, and that I have to give up on the relationship being something with which I can live. Of course, what that means is I destroy the stable family life of my children, and this is a crushing thought. I believe that my choice is either exist solely to provide an income and a stable family structure within which I find no joy or satisfaction, or I destroy a part of my children's lives. I guess I've sort of rambled, and I hope I've at least answered your questions.
Sorry to hear about your situation - I can truly sympathize as I have a similar but not identicle situation.
Jackson - how can you have a discussion with your spouse when she views the sex/intimacy needs of her husband as "his problem"? How is this need a problem - isn't it the natural order of things? I doubt there is a woman in North America that doesn't know the importance of this aspect in a relationship to a man and a marriage.
I suspect you have discussed your feelings until you are blue in the face and the more you discuss the more convinced she sees this as your problem. If you back totally away from any discussion, action or activity on your part in this area, she will believe that your "problem" has been solved. She will be content that you are working two jobs so that she can go and visit her relatives. Somehow this doesn't seem like it will work for you in any way.
I don't think there are any good answers when you are faced with this. You can keep on trying what you are doing - maybe after yet another 10 years things will unexplainably improve - perhaps another 20 or 30 years? There are endless possibilities as to how this situation could play out, can't think of any realistic solution that is ideal - if your wife is happy that you are sleeping in another room and that you have given up on the idea of a physical relationship, I am not sure how couples councelling will help. She really seems to have an aversion to physical intamcy and her aversion is "your problem". In a traditional relationship, nly she can fix "your problem" unless you try to eliminate your need for physical intamcy, and I am not sure that is really possible without a major amount of drugs, operations or both.
I suspect that you will never have happiness until you have physical intamcy in your life and you probably are not excited about running around and looking for an affair or visiting cat houses. I suspect that you will only be able to affect a change with your wife when you are prepared to walk away from the marriage, you are prepared to confront her with that possibility, you really have thought through how that would happen and you are truly ready to do it. This is a desparate place to be and you may be driven there at some point barring some miracle change in your wife.
Sorry to be so gloomy, but I feel like I am in a similar place to you and share your feeling of dispair.
As I read through your sitch, I can understand why your wife says it is your problem. Everything is great from her perspective. You do everything for her, she gets your attention, even some wine, and all the sex she wants. It just so happens she does want it very much. It is a perfect situation for her, so yeah, at this point it is your problem.
So how are YOU going to change this? How are YOU going to stop serving her so that she no longer has everything she wants? When are you going to stand up for yourself and stop following behind her like a puppy dog? Going to sleep in the den doesn’t sound very assertive. What do you hope to accomplish by this? Do you think she will get the hint that you are upset and suddenly find some compassion within her to sooth your needs?
Nope, don’t see that happening, especially if she has serious issues. Her dysfunction is obvious to you by her focusing on herself, not you. You going off to pout about it is not going to suddenly cause her to notice you. She can’t. She has pushed it down inside her walls where it is safely tucked away and you are helping her to keep it there. Read through some of Corri’s past posts that relate to “rattling the cage.” If you do not want to shake things up so that you can get what you want, then you need to ask yourself what it is that you are afraid of. What keeps you from taking a stand? Then go work on that issue first.
There's a good chance that if you can figure out (and you might even try asking her point-blank) what she's missing in the R...and then try to fill that void for her, that she'll start responding to you too.