Is it unfair to take the sex back?

[74Kim]

Nevermind! I know I am crazy. He called and is on his way home. He told me that he should of thought it out first, before going. He does not want me to be upset. And he is sorry for ruining my day. I told him that he didnt ruin my day, just put a kink in it. But being he is on his way home and feeling bad about upseting me, is good enough to put me back on track.

I know I am pathetic.

[kasiopeia]

Thank the Lord! And you are not pathetic,just hurt,and in love.It sounds like he really is trying.I am happy for you.,K

[74Kim]

thanx! He is really making a change! I am lucky in that right.Most times when I am feeling down he does something so unexpected that really cheers me up. For instance tonight, He is being incredible with the kids. I never seen him put such an effort into them. He will win me back through me kids. ..Not really, but that will be a big part of it.
Thanks again!!

[74Kim]

Having A bad moment here.

Things are going well w/my H and I just feeling sorry for myself again. I would rather vent here than to him.

I am happy with the present and the thoughts of the future, but I just cant get through the past. I just dont know HOW he could do this to ME. I have always stood by in every obstacle he has come across. Believe me there were alot. I never threw anything back in his face, We got through it and it was forgotten. I just cant figure out how I could be so disensable. I was supposed to mean something. I took care of his 7 children, one being my step son who Ive raised as my own since he was 1. He had nothing but a backpack and a baby when I met him. I didnt care, I seen his heart and his good spirit. I just guided him to be the man he wanted to be, and for 9 years he was. I was his support system. He respected me he honored me. As well did I. He came so far from when I met him. People envied our relationship.

He keeps claiming it was the stress of the household that made him want to bolt. And I can get that. I want to run from here everyday. But for me, Its not ant one person that makes me want to leave, its just the situation we are here. But why did he have to go as far as sleeping with someone else. Its like nothing in our life mattered at all. I know you all are feeling the same stuff,and can understand. Thank you all for being here for me. Its funny I can trust complete strangers with my most intimate thoughts but I can not trust my H. I want to so badly. He still means the world to me. as funny as it may seem I can start to respect him. The whole process of the A lasted only 4 months. He came back totally dedicated to fixing us. I have seen a wonderful change in him. I know how difficult this must be for him to do. He had always told me that I was his angel, watching over him. If it werent for me he has no idea where he would be. So I take that to heart. An angel just wouldnt give up on someone. And neither will I. I just need the strength for myself. I am getting it slowly. I just have bad moments once in a while.

I think I might move over to the piecing forum.Because that is what we are doing now. Piecing our marriage together.

THANX!!!!
Kim

[74Kim]

Having A bad moment here.

Things are going well w/my H and I am just feeling sorry for myself again. I would rather vent here than to him.

I am happy with the present and the thoughts of the future, but I just cant get through the past. I just dont know HOW he could do this to ME. I have always stood by in every obstacle he has come across. Believe me there were alot. I never threw anything back in his face, We got through it and it was forgotten. I just cant figure out how I could be so dispensable. I was supposed to mean something. I took care of his 7 children, one being my step son who Ive raised as my own since he was 1. He had nothing but a backpack and a baby when I met him. I didnt care, I seen his heart and his good spirit. I just guided him to be the man he wanted to be, and for 9 years he was. I was his support system. He respected me he honored me. As well did I. He came so far from when I met him. People envied our relationship.

He keeps claiming it was the stress of the household that made him want to bolt. And I can get that. I want to run from here everyday. But for me, Its not any one person that makes me want to leave, its just the situation we have here. But why did he have to go as far as sleeping with someone else. Its like nothing in our life mattered at all. I know you all are feeling the same stuff,and can understand. Thank you all for being here for me. Its funny I can trust complete strangers with my most intimate thoughts but I can not trust my H. I want to so badly. He still means the world to me. as funny as it may seem I can start to respect him. The whole process of the A lasted only 4 months. He came back totally dedicated to fixing us. I have seen a wonderful change in him. I know how difficult this must be for him to do. He had always told me that I was his angel, watching over him. If it werent for me he has no idea where he would be. So I take that to heart. An angel just wouldnt give up on someone. And neither will I. I just need the strength for myself. I am getting it slowly. I just have bad moments once in a while.

I think I might move over to the piecing forum.Because that is what we are doing now. Piecing our marriage together.

THANX!!!!
Kim

[kasiopeia]

Kim,
I know it is so hard.The mental picture is hard to block.I guess you try to think that they didn't do this to you[even though it does feel like it]but,more so they did it to themselves.They are the ones who are very miserable also.If we don't forgive them they lose everything.And if we do forgive,they constantly deal with trying to show us trust once again.It is never easy.Try to realize it is not you.They messed up.Eventually,trust does come back.I thought i would never believe it would,but it did.You know the warning signs now.You can spot when there is trouble up ahead.Your conversations are more open.You learn how strong you really are,how forgiving you can be.You are a good person.No you are not a push-over,or easy,or a door-mat.You are forgiving.It is strange how those we love the most can anger us and hurt us the most.It is only because we do love them.
I never thought i would stay with my H if he cheated on me.When it happened i had a choice,to stay or leave.It wasn't easy.I think leaving would have been hard also.Either way it is tough.Have you ever heard the saying "if someone does you wrong the first time it is their fault,if they do you wrong the second it is your fault.?" I know that doesn't apply to Christ.He is the all forgiving.
I hope that you can heal quickly,take care ,K

[74Kim]

Thanx K! You always know what to say to make me feel better.

I think chosing him to leave would probably be harder to deal with, especially if your still in love. I do consider my self as a push over at times. I do not feel that way about myself, but it is easy to think about.
Yes I have heard "the first time shame on you; the second time shame on me". I do not think I could be All forgiving. I am just a person and he is lucky to be forgiven once!I have to say for the most part I am healing and I am trying to completely forgive. But can you describe the difference from forgiving and accepting? I know that may be a stupid question, but I am confused in that area.

curious? Do you wear your wedding rings? And if so when were you comfortable putting them on? Maybe you never took them off. I cant bring myself to wear them.
Kim

[cat03]

this is a great article from the web I posted on my post:

Appropriate guilt is always helpful, though it must come from inside rather than from a raging, nasty spouse; anger is a lousy seduction technique for anyone except terminal weirdos. Guilt is good for you. Shame, however, makes people run away, and hide.

The prognosis after an affair is not grim, and those who have strayed have not lost all their value. The sadder but wiser infidel may be both more careful and more grateful

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.

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Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born - any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while.
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Hope you are feeling better today, conquer those demons, you can do it))))))))

[74Kim]

Thanx, I am feeling better today.

I like that article. I found it so true, but then in a moment I think, "Is this all the crap we tell one another just to make us feel better?". Like " God only gives you what you can handle", do you know how many times Ive heard that one in my life?

I appreciate all your support and keep the replies coming, I am just being cynical today. I should say most days.

Kim

[74Kim]

I have to let you all know that I am so proud of myself today. I feel so good about myself!

Last night my husband had to work over at his bar, which stunk because he had appts all day. I wouldnt be able to spend anytime with him at all. Midday he stopped home with a doz of roses and telling me that he appreciated my patience today and how bad he felt that I was left with all these kids all day(4 out of 7 are sick). That just made me so happy.

We had discussed me visiting the bar to watch some of the Steeler game, but blew it off because we would never find a sitter. But I had already lined someone up to watch them.(They would all be in bed anyways). So 9:30 I went over , and was he surprised. So happy yelling and yahooing. Well embarassing me but also making me feel good. About 10:00, the OW came into the bar. This would be the 1st time I ever saw. I asked him if it were her. He said "yes". I then calmly asked, If he would ask her to leave. He replied "no".I got angry, but not irrational. He told me that she came in with her mother and didnt wamt to let her mother know that there were issues. The girl is 18. "I hope".The mom is a reg customer. And he fears that by her mother knowing that she will tell people and it would ruin business. I somewhat agree. So I calmly walked past the Ow(girl) and whispered in her ear that she had better leave and make it now. And she walked right out the door.

But H was acting like a fool. He told me he respected the way I handled it. But him on the other hand was sweating and kept telling me "Im leaving, Im shutting down" It was so much fun to watch him stuggle. He was like a rat in a corner. He never prepared himself to what he would do if she came in, or how would he react. He expected me to carry on like a raving lunatic, embarassing him and myself. But NEVER, he did all the embarassing already. I will not lower myself. So today I am just beaming! I feel like there are rays of joy streaming from my eyes.(corny I know). Him on the other hand is miserable. I keep trying to make him in a happy mood, but he said "I dont feel like being happy"...wonder why?

I did tell him that last night needs to be addressed. But he is not ready to talk about it. I will give him some time and then we will discuss it. but we will not let it be and ignore how he was feeling.

Give a smile for me today. Keep a smile for you!