Is it unfair to take the sex back?

[heatherg]

Jokerman, I am curious as to why you say there is a difference between being 'genuinely sorry' and 'remorseful'. Can you elaborate on that?

Thanks

[74Kim]

I am glad you asked that, I was wondering the same thing.

[JokerMan]

Well it depends on the motive. I have an EA for a couple of months. The first time it turned into a PA I was sorry. I felt guilty. I was not remorseful. I went back to my wife. Not because I loved her, it was the guilt.

Soon after I ran back to the OW.

When I left the OW for good I was remorseful.

If you stop because of guilt it only makes yourself fell better. If you stop because of remorse it is because you know you are hurting others.

[cat03]

We are better than ever. I know every sitch is different, but for you; When you and you H were mending things was he great, in his actions? Really proving a change? If so, other than this thing your upset about now; Is he still great? Maybe none of these Q refer to you. But for me, My H is being wonderful. I am waiting for that to end. Waiting for him to blow up.

You are very lucky that your H is doing so much, I get nothing from mine, no reasurance, no affection, no attention. He is home yes, but that's it, I know he still has lots of turmoil & still finding himself, but that doesn't help me any, non of my needs are met.

Don't fortune tell and think the worst, focus on the negative and you'll get negative results. I'm just coming out of that anger of finding out my H's A dept. I can tell you know that he's lied through his teeth and that i have no reason to trust him, but you know what? I'm closing my eyes and stepping forward to trust him, (just like that scene from Indiana Jones, when he just has to believe the bridge is there and he gives a first step where there is not visible bridge.

Whenever I start to remember what I read (found letters and picts) about H's PA I make my brain begin the sentence with "when my H had sh*t on his brains he...) and that helps to stop my mind wanderings.
I pray that we both get over this in half the time we think it will take, we WILL put it behind us.

[kasiopeia]

Hi there,
I had a very hard time dealing with H's A.I was one of those people that said "if my S cheats on me ,I'm Out of here!"Well,it happened and i did think that at first.My H acted really strange for months,i deep down knew something was wrong.I never could prove it and i would ask and he denied.When i had my proof, i confronted him and he really lost it.He did the" I am so sorry","the crying", the "it didn't mean nothing",etc. Any how, trying to shorten post,we struggled along and i stayed because he did end it,he says before i found out it was ended.I am not so sure.He said,"he never loved her",he didn't want a divorce,etc.I read alot of posts on this forum 6 years ago.They made me realize if my H wanted to work on M ,then i should at least try.I am a believer of second chances.Not sure of thirds yet. I had good days and i had very Bad days.I kept a journal and i tell you,i can't stand to read it now.I was a very sad person.I have told my H that i lost a few years of time ,during those worst periods.I did not think it would ever get better,I did not think i could feel love towards him again.I truly want you to know that after all that time,i do love my H so very much now,i am jealous of him once again.{i got to where i could care less for awhile}.He still to this day works on us.He still trys very hard for me to trust him.As far as his stupid reunion episode,i don't know.I will always be cautious,but i am happy once again being M to S.We still talk about R problems openly now.I hope i can be of some help.I continue to pray for you all,K

[74Kim]

JM

I have to say that he is remorseful. He said that he told because he did feel guilty, But also because he loves me and I deserved to know. When I am having really bad crying depressing days, he comes home from work and cries with me. Apologizing for doing this to me, That I am too good of a person to be put through this. It hurts him that he did this to me. So I feel that he is remorseful.

Cat03
I do have it a little bit easier than alot of you folks. My H is being so cooperative and patient. It must be so much harder when Your S isnt making an effort and being a schmuck.We just have to take day at a time. And your definatly right about finding ways to make your mind stop wandering. That will be the death of us!

Kasiopia
I said the same thing, That I would kick my H out if ever..., I also said that one thing my husband would never do is cheat. They always say the ones that think that,are always wrong. I always agree with 2nd chances and say the same about thirds. I think we maybe from the same mold. Anyways I have been keeping a journal, but I stopped writing in it for now because, I feel worse writing in it somedays , So I figuress why torture myself anymore.But putting aside my bad days, I do see a great light at the end of this tunnel. I know our life together will be better than ever. I cant believe any different. Why would I stick through this,ifI thought any less. Thanx so much for your insight, it means alot to me!!Thanx for your prayers to!

[JokerMan]

Well that is good that he is remorseful. It sounds like he is. Support him now and let him heal. Is that fair to you??? Nope. You need to be the strong one right now.

JMHO

[74Kim]

it is my birthday and I am having a really bad day. For no particular reason. Just that its supposed to be a good day and I can not stop festering on the pain. My DH is going out of his way to make my day happy. So I know I need to step up, but I just cant. He took the day off work so I wouldnt be left to care for the kids by myself. He took the bigger kids shopping for me. So I should be happy.

How do I start feeling good about myself? When I first was told about the PA I feel I had a good attitude about myself. I did not take the A personal. I know that sounds crazy, but, I knew it was because He really didnt think of me and only himself, wanting out of the sitch he was in with this lifestyle. He was doing MLC thing. But as time progresses I have a hard time just seeing it as that. I can not stop wallowing in self pity. I thought it would pass a bit. How do I start feeling good about myself? Feeling that I do matter. I feel so worthless. I can not stand being so pathetic.
I think all this attention that I have been giving my husband is going to his head. Like, I want him so bad and the OW wanted him so bad that he thinks he is great, and can get anyone he wants.
This weekend DH and I went to the Steeler game, and out for drinks afterwards. We had a good time, but I could not just let loose and have fun. I couldnt help feeling jealous of all the young pretty girls. Not that my husband was even looking, or thinking of them. I am sure he wasnt but I was. I kept thinking that his head is swollen and he thinks that he could "get" them if he wanted. It made me so mad. I dont know what to do. I did not let my insecurities ruin our night though. I just felt like crap.

[cat03]

hugs)))))))) sorry you feel bumbed! I so hear you about feeling weird about other girls (I had boob envy for a while) But honestly, you don't know that your H is thinking that way, if he is really trying to please you most likely he feels awful for being so weak and for letting you down.
Choose each day which road you'll take, the road to misery that leads nowhere and harms the budding R you guys are working on, or the one who has a great potential to build your M and make it stronger.

My H half forgot my b-day, got me gifts and cake at the last hr (he had planned a huge to do for OP w rings, trips,ect) . I was pretty bumbed about that, give your H some browny points for trying to make you happy, ok?

There are bound to be all sorts of women out there, some more or less attractive/young that us. But our Hs choose to be w/us because -even if you dont' believe this right now- men want someone to connect with, not only a pretty face. I had lost so much weight that a few times my H was confused as to why and he'd say "you know, i didnt' leave because I thought you were fat" as if that's the main reason I lost weight, OP at the time was chubby, so there you have it.

[74Kim]

You are so right! I am going to have a really nice day. He hasnt come home with the kids yet, but when he does, I am going to be strong and take the road to make us happy today.

I too have lost alot of weight. But that is mostly just because of the kids, running around with them and such. Plus the stress of this has taken quite a few lbs off. I asked him for a gym membership, so I can focus my energies into something positive for myself. Not to lose the weight so much but, to feel better about myself. Losing the lbs would just be a bonus. He too thinks Im losing for him. WRONG!!! Although I am sure he likes it. As for Dh OW she was an OG that is a DOG! (other girl) She was a very young girl 19 or 20. So that in itself just sickenes me. I almost feel bad for her.

Thanx!!