Ditto that Cine. And go back and read Cally's posts CeMar. Listen to how she describes the current incarnation of her H. Does she go on about how he takes care of all the chores?
We all have it in us to be MEN. Its just some of us lose it along the way. Some of us get beaten down by all the hard testing that some W's constantly do. Other's just lose track because of family, job stress, life circumstances, etc. But it doesn't mean if we focus we can't get it back.
Sorry if this discussion is a major hijack. What was the original thread topic anyway?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Quote: You are in a club and you spy a hot chick that you are interested in. Do you go over and offer to clean up her house or work on her honey-do lists? No, you do the masculine thing. What are you doing to give off those masculine pheremones CeMar?
This is a great suggestion. It keeps things fresh when you can think of your spouse in terms of a hottie in a club that you would love to take home that night. I wager a bet that it has the makings for some pretty interesting evenings.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
What I was trying to say is that my wife actually HAS most of the problems that cause LD. The question then becomes which one to address that will actually FIX the problem. Also, most of the problems don't involve me. Here are sme of the things she has:
Hypoactive thyroid. FOO issues (grew up in terrible conditions with neglect and possibly abuse, althoug she denies it). Body Image issues (big time). Who wants to want syndrome. Has never felt feminine (tomboyish). Relationship issues. Menopause, heat flashes, things not working right. ETC..
I have asked her over the years which is causing the LD, and it CHANGES everytime I ask. Basically, she just keeps shifting the target.
If she keeps shifting the reason, chances are it is just an excuse because she may not really know why she doesn't desire you, she just doesn't. If that is the case, then maybe it does fall more squarely on you and how much masculinity you exhibit. Again, JHMO
If she truly does have ALL of those "LD" issues, then a combination of medical, psychiatric, counseling is the only shot you have. If she refuses, then you need to decide can you live with no desire or do you need to cut and run (figuratively).
But I have this sinking suspicion that if you act in an unambiguous masculine way for a long enough period of time that she can trust that behavior will continue, her LD-ness will slowly disappear along with the excuses.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
It is hard to keep that in mind sometimes, but on the times when I do, I see the difference in her response. Even if it doesn't actually result in hot sex that night, there is definitely more interest in affection and a heightened willingness to at least discuss my crazy ideas.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Just thought I might chime in my own original thread...
CeMar, I am definitely in your corner, just don't want to lose my hope.
Heard a sad story today. Married couple of 20+ years are going to get a divorce. She is an unique personality, tends to be egocentric and demanding, however, became this way after going through and surviving breast cancer. All of the meds and chemo have pretty much killed her sex drive as well for the last 5 years.
He just can't take it anymore...yada yada. She has changed and is not the same person he married etc...
Not sure what my point and not being judgemental, but here is my thought.
A lot of the stories here are around a common theme. (Actually there are a lot of common themes) But one of my pet theories is that most people here (or elsewhere) don't change until there is a change in their life's perspective. Unfortunately, that perspective is death, a traumatic event, or divorce in the majority of cases.
It is my mission and hope that I can introduce that change in perspective to my wife WITHOUT dying, or a traumatic life event, or getting a divorce
So to the participants of these thread and anyone else reading, share with me this...Have you gone from LD to HD without a "change in perspective"
GEL, it seems like for you there was one. CeMar, my advice to you is patience. You never know what might trigger a "change in perspective." But hopefully it is not a traumatic one.
I have asked my wife before what would I could do that would cause her to desire me, and she had no answer. Should I act more masculine, you bet. Will that fix the problem, no. She thinks she has already "fixed" the problem. SHe told me once years ago that she really just has no physical need for sex, but she knows it is important to me, and she is willing to have it. But my need is NOT for sex, my need is for all the things that RESULT from the desire for sex. People that desire sex behave COMPLETELY different from those that DON't desire. And as Dr. Laura has said , there is ONE thing that a woman must NEVER, EVER say, and that is that they don't desire their husbands. Once you say that, it is virtually impossible to recover from.
As for leaving her, I think that if I can stay until the children are grown, that my chances of leaving her are about 95%. At least whil I am still here, that is some motivation to work the situation.
*SIGH* If you think your chances of leaving are 95% once the kids are out, why don't you just leave now and spare yourself and your kids a lot of pain? Nothing is going to improve as long as you have one foot out the door. You can't commit to making the marriage better if you're also working on an exit strategy. If you are so unhappy with your M that you know you will eventually leave, don't you think the kids can sense all is not well in wonderland? Take a stand one way or another and be a man. You are coming across as a rather spineless wet noodle. No wonder she's not attracted to you.
I don't see it as manly to break up the family. I can not do anything that will harm the children. Remember, I married a women that came form a divorced family, and it is clear that her FOO have helped to CAUSE our problems, so the last thing I need to do is cause FOO issues for my sons. There is no way that our divorce would HELP our sons, especially financially. As for her being attracted to me, I have said many times before that I am not sure that a LD women can be attracted to a man that would actually STAY married to them. They KNOW that they treat their men poorly, so how could they be attracted to a man that would actually STAY Married to them. It's almost like you have to divorce them to get their respect.
