Dear Greeneyedlass, I was reading JenJam's thread about her H and experimenting. You made a comment about how you used to be shy and afraid to experiment but by going in small doses you overcame that.
First off, congrats on that. But I have some questions that I would love to see an answer to from a female perspective.
Would you classify yourself as a HD or LD? How about when you were shy?
What motivated you to try to change and experiment?
Was your H involved in your motivation i.e. was he part of the solution or problem?
How long a time period have you been "working" on this?
Thanks in advance. I am just trying to figure out my wife and figure out how much "help" or "intervention" I should be attempting.
Re;Lifer have some questions that I would love to see an answer to from a female perspective.
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Lifer...here are the answers to your questions :-)
Would you classify yourself as a HD or LD? How about when you were shy? Way back when (oh about 10 years ago, in my late 20's) I would definitely have considered myself LD. Why? Well...because I hadn't discovered my sexuality for one thing....for the other, my M was in shambles. I was married to an alcoholic and sex was the last thing on my mind. Once I made a change in my life (got D'd because my H chose alcohol over having me in his life) my life took a change for the better. I had female friends in my life that would tell me how great last night was with a man (or would build up sex in other ways). It got my curiosity peaked. Now, I'm still a somewhat shy personality (not that anyone on here would ever know that) but I'm definitely not LD, I am a very healthy HD woman.
What motivated you to try to change and experiment? Well to be honest the curiosity about sex that my friends built up in me. It just sounded like what I was experiencing was so very much different from what they were talking about....kind of like "is this what the big deal is about?"...what a let down. I decided that either I was doing something wrong, or I wasn't doing it with the right person.....honestly, it was a mix of the two.
Was your H involved in your motivation i.e. was he part of the solution or problem? No, my H was in no wa a part of the solution, neither my XH or my current H. I made the changes while living single. I was fortunate enough to be dating a man who was very patient...and who also did introduce me to things I hadn't done before, but didn't force the issue if I resisted it. He in many ways would just barely begin to do something....and then move away from what he was doing....which built up my curiosity about it to the point that when he really decided to try something...I was up for it.
How long a time period have you been "working" on this? I made my changes long ago Lifer, but honestly (and you may not like this answer)....it took me a few years to get to the point I'm at now. The point where I will take the lead, the point where I will ask for what I want, the point where yes, I can release my inner porn star LOL. It's a journey of self-discovery....one that involves a person learning how to just let go and go with what feels good at the time. It involves learning not to be so self-concious and tied up mentally with worrying about what you look or sound like. Those things take time to overcome...they simply don't happen overnight.
All you can do Lifer is subtly encourage her and do your best to allow her to feel safe enough with you to not feel so insecure with how she looks/sounds. So many people who are not comfortable with their sexuality feel like such fumbling idiots when they try something new sexually...that it inhibits them from ever trying it again. If she tries something....validate that attempt, no matter how poor. Tell her how much you liked it, and that you were really turned on by what she did. It goes a long way. The really important thing though Lifer is not to overwhelm her. Don't try to get her to do too much stuff all at once, or too quickly. She's going to have to do these things as SHE is ready to do them...whatever they are that you wish for her to do. If there's something specific....tell her what it is, tell her how sexy you know she would be doing that and then drop it. Let her mind mull it over...you might find that eventually after she thinks about things that she'll tentatively try it. If she does, and then stops...validate her attempt.
GEL, You are a blessing and thanks for the honest response. Your last two paragraphs are the ones that really clicked with me.
My W is reading SSM, thankfully. So I am trying to be patient and see what happens out of that.
I don't think her profile quite fits yours though. She was HD and then had kids and became LD. I am not sure if it is because of kids, hormones, age, birth control pills (although she stopped taking them 5 years ago) or me. But ultimately, I am hoping to find some hope on this board from someone who is similar in profile and can tell me that yes, it is possible to go from LD to HD again.
But again, your last two paragraphs give me some clue into shy personalities. Maybe she doesn't want to feel cheap but is interested in expanding our sexuality and it just takes time.
I think we are on the right track, but if not...I am a
Your wifes profiel is extremely common. I believe that the underlying cause of LD is almost always physcial. Birthing children can screw them up, the body image problems that arise from birthing, the exhustion of eing a mother, hormones, Thyroid disorders, and of course the fact that womens testosterone is cut in half from their 20's to their 40's. They want to think it is their men that cause it, and yes we do to a degree, but the real truth is almost always physical issues. Is it possible to go from LD th HD? I have not seen it happen. What is FAR more likely is that the HD person gives up and accepts that their marriage will be crap! Someone posted on here recently that in marriage, that men FAR out number women in terms of being UNHAPPY in marriage. It was over 60% of all married men thought their marriages sucked.
OMG CeMar! I don't know if any other woman besides myself found that post completely insulting...but I sure as hell did!
Birthing children....does not SCREW US UP! The underlying cause of being LD is also....NOT always physical, it is primarily emotional.....or at the very least half/half.
I cannot impress upon you how many women I know (who while yes may have issues with how they look) actually are LD primarily due to their marital R with their H.
CeMar.....IIIIIIIII am someone who went from being LD in my younger days, to being HD. Told you that before, you have a selective memory man.
You know...your constant stream of negativity reminds me of OG Lous wife.
I see you are still banging your head on that brick wall.
CeMar
The question you should be asking is not what pct of men or women are this way or that way, but how is it in YOUR M. Is it physical or R stuff that is "causing" YOUR W to be "LD?" If a Dr. told you that you only have a 45% chance of living, would you just give up because the odds were against you? Stop worrying about general statistics and worry about the specific R you are in.
JMHO
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
That advice is cutting down on my search time and looking for revelant threads. 