help me cope please!

[ReDesigner]

Dear Kim,
Sorry to meet you here, but you're in the right place.

Since the same thing happened to me -- three times now and I discovered it, wasn't told, I know that everything's too fresh. My husband also wanted to rush to "get back to the way things were." However, when this intimate trust is broken, unfortunatley, things will never be the way they were. The good thing is that they can be a whole lot better. The trick is not to react while this is all so new. Let your emotions settled. It will take time, months, perhaps before you will feel more balanced. I wouldn't make any decisions about your future just yet. Some people suggested to me that 90 days is a reasonable length of time. Actually, that's what the courts in my province in Canada declare is the length of time before people who are separated can take any further action to divorce. They know through experience that this is often the period in which people reconcile.

Meanwhile, I can suggest a book I just read called "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me," by Anne Brecht. It's not a tongue-in-cheek title. You can find more info on this couple's story at:
www.passionatelife.ca

I found this a good roadmap to what happens when one partner cheats. I always wanted to know what would happen. It doesn't mean this will happen in anyone else's situation, but it does show how people do fight to save their marriages and eventually grow personally to create better marriages.

Meanwhile, I suggest getting into some good aerobic exercise. Those endorphins do wonders to lift the weight you're now feeling!

Best of luck,
Trailing Spouse