One more thing that might help you. I want to be told the details of my H's affair, sexual details, because, although I don't want to hear this stuff, I also want to know that if he will describe her to me, in every detail, then she has lost the "private" access to him. In other words, it will be the two of us against a person who invaded our marriage and home. If he keeps it to himself, even if to spare me, or to spare him, then it seems that she got away with a piece of his intimacy that I still don't have, can't share. I can more easily forgive if I have "all" of him back, and I get that when I get his secrets from his mouth. He is very afraid, that this will be terribly painful, which it will, but if it helps me, he needs to do it for me. Its ok for him to say it makes him ashamed, and afraid it will make me more ashamed of him. I want him to say that. It won't make me more ashamed of him. Because I know it is so hard, it will make me more proud of him, that he is willing to this out of love for me, --I see it as being fully engaged in our recovery--the difference between saying "I will do whatever it takes" and doing it. It will be a sign that he trusts me in a way which he never trusted her. He says he never mentioned me to her, but he told me about her. If he tells me everything about her, it reduces her importance and her control and her signigicance. If she was really important to him, would he reveal this about her to me? I don't think so.I like that better, and that's why I need to hear it, though I don't want to. Ultimately, it is hugely comforting. Does that make sense?
