Piper, Thank you so much for the response. You are a thoughtful and worthy person. I am sorry I made you hurt more, I really want you to understand, because you seem so willing to do what it takes, and I really meant to help, and to seek your help, for which I would be most humbly grateful. What I want is for the hurting to stop. I do feel that in a sense all infidelity is connected--if you hadn't done it, or if the OW in my H's life had refused, then there would be less hurt in the world. But no, you didn't hurt me, in fact, I think you can help me, and have by your posts, which are so open and obviously sincere.
Let me please clarify a few things which your post brought up. 1. I don't want him to hurt--Hear me on this, it is true. 2. A large reason for keeping quiet is to keep him from being hurt further. I DON'T want people to think of him as a cheater. Partly this is selfish, it reflects rather poorly on my judgment. But mostly, it can only hurt more people who don't deserve it--the others I mentioned. I mentioned them, but he is definitely included. It the pain I am against, for anyone. 3. You mentioned that you need to help him, and not let on that it bothers you. That second part is not true, I think that hiding what is on our minds is the destructive path--remember the days of telling each other everything, the intimacy that led to your marriage? You don't need to hide your pain, you simply need to tell him, when he brings it up, that you are so sorry you hurt him, that you can see so clearly now that he is the man for you, and that you will never forget that or question it again. Tell him the reasons, like you told us in your posts. It is ok to repeat this about forty thousand times. 4. Some other things I would like to hear: "Please don't stop believing in me--I will make this up to you, whether you can see it now or not, I will be here for you." or I will make myself worthy of you. You don't have to believe this, you will experience it. Promise. or How can I help you feel less pain? or I know it is always on your mind, so let's try some techniques together to get past this, let's go to a movie Friday and invite another couple. Or is there something you would rather do? or I am going to be strong for both of us, so you can cry all you want, and I will still love you and want you. or I know you are bothered about telling the kids. I think they should know what we went through, if you want them to, but first, we have to get you healed and healthy and happy and laughing, and put our marriage on a sailboat to Tahiti. Then, I promise I will help us talk to them. 5. Some things he can do: Hold me. Tenderly. In the kitchen while I am preparing dinner. In the bathroom while I am brushing my teeth. In public. Grocery store would be nice. Show the world that its us against them. Show the OW of the world that its us against them. Show the OW here that love and kindness and family triumph. Compliment me. About forty thousand times. Compliment me in front of our children. Compliment me when I am not around. Fold laundry while wearing underwear on his head. Bring me flowers, all the time, walmart flowers are great Help me laugh again, funny movies, comedy, lightness, jokes by email, whatever. Repeat. Repetition is totally underrated. Finally, let me say this, and please try to hear it. The more pain your H is experiencing and the longer it takes to get through this, the MORE YOU WERE AND ARE LOVED. If he didn't care it wouldn't hurt--the more he cares for YOU, the more your betrayal hurts him. That makes you pretty lucky, to have a guy who adored you, and will again, so yes, you are on the right track, stay there, you can make him feel so much better. Ask him how, do what he asks. That is, I think, why I am in so much trouble. I loved him so much--I believed in him more than he believed in himself, and, idiot that I am, I still do.
