Quote: GH my H is not in that place where he can look at what was going on in our M prior to my A and he is not one to go searching for it. I do not dare discuss it. Maybe I should.
Then you are in a similar place as CM except you had the affair I think she avoided. I know that sucks but for the time being, maybe it's best to get through this immediate thing (the affair) and address the rest a LITTLE later? I don't know.
Quote: Maybe, I don't even know what it was, but it definetly involved lonliness, including feeling lonely when we were actually in the same room together, and fear that because of his new job I would be alone the majority of the time.
If you came up with this, then I would guess this is a factor. The good news is that maybe, through your reading and posting you are figuring out that you can be more of a source of happiness for yourself and not so dependant on his "persense" to be happy. The part about feeling alone while in the room with him DOES need to be addressed and my W said the same thing. I have since learned to just BE closer to her, both physically and mentally. Another thing on that point is that she used to actually SAY she wanted me to be upstairs so she could have some "alone" time. That's why I said one woman's neglect is another woman's "alone" time. I am still confused by this because she now claims, like you, that I was never there but I claim that even when I was, she didn't want to be around me. Another mixed message. Actually, what she said to that was that she was so "fed up" with me by the time I got home, or was "available" to be with her, that she didn't want/need me around. It's THAT kind of thinking I want you to be aware of and guard against.
Like I said, the fact that he will physically be gone a lot is not as important as how you two act when he IS around.
