Piper, in light of AmyC's hiatus (lol) from posting as much, I will summerize what I THINK she may tell you. First of all, if you are not familar with her, she is on "your" side of the fence and has been working VERY hard on repairing her marriage in the aftermath. She is one of the best posters on this board and I asked her to visit you when she gets a chance.
Anyway, she usually tells people in your position that one of the first things that needs to happen is for your to understand the depth of the hurt your actions have caused, something I think keening's post has helped you do. Once you have "fallen to your knees" so-to-speak over the pain you feel because of what you did, you then need to forgive yourself for it. You don't ever forget it, but as you say, the longer you spend thinking about it and dwelling on what happened, the less time/energy you have to devote to the difficult work of repairing the damage. Of course, as you now understand, PART of that repair job is not yours to do, but when you can help the process, you need to be ready and willing to do so.
Your case is somewhat unique. I often say that it's sad how most of these sitches are usually one of the following after the affair is confessed/discovered. 1) The WAS doesn't want to stop and is not really interested in reconciling while the LBS is heartbroken, wanting their marriage back and usually willing to do whatever it takes to make things work or 2) The WAS is repentant (as you are) and the LBS is so angry/hurt that they want nothing to do with reconciliaion.
It's rare to have a WAS that repents and a LBS that is open to working things out right away. You sitch is a gift, but it CAN turn into one of the other, more common sitches if you're not careful, something I think you know now.
I WISH my W felt the way you do, or came here for help with the way she feels. I WISH my W would go to C or read books on the subject. She doesn't "believe" in those things. That said, I am lucky that my W SEEMS to be getting there on her own so we'll see.
