Keening your post was very humbling and made me cry. I feel in some way responsible for your hurt, I guess because my H has or does or periodically does feel just as hurt as you do. What your post did was make me realize I need to slow down and let my H take the lead in healing. I need to follow his lead but also be able to see the subtle clues and try to read him when he needs me to because it's too difficult for him to tell me that he is not handling it very well sometimes. In one of my earlier posts I said something alongs the lines of him having to work harder to heal (I don't want to say to get over my A because that would be foolish), but in reality it's me who has to work harder. I need to be able to turn on a dime when he needs me to, to go from a place where he is genuinely happy to be with me, to a place where he feels very alone and sad and angry, and I have to do it without any sign of it bothering me, because it must be about getting him to a safe place where he feels loved again completely by me, and that the love will overpower his sadness.
My H said he did not want to discuss my A with anybody because he didn't want them to see me as a bad person, which I was. I know that is not the same as the reason you give for not discussing your H's A. He is ashamed of me, and I am ashamed of myself for my actions and decisions and utter lack of respect for the life I had created with him. I didn't get the feeling that you were at all interested in any perspective from me about your H so I won't go there, rather that you both want me to know the depths of your pain, and comprehend the mess I've created for my H's life. I'm sorry because I didn't mean to minimalize the pain and upheaval in your life and those in your situation by giving any sort of instructions on how to get over it, (like the four items you listed). Those are tools that have been suggested to us by our MC during times when either one of us has felt helpless and hopeless. It doesn't mean it works for everybody, the stop sign was something that my H could relate to because he needed help not asking all kinds of questions. Not because I wouldn't answer them but because he didn't really want to know the answers.
I'm really starting to understand what it means when I am being told I need to stand by him and help him heal. In one respect, I am glad that I am in a place where I want tomove forward with my H and attempt to find happiness in our lives, because otherwise I would be unable to do the work if I was caught in the place your H is. Less thinking about how my poor decision has affected my life means I have more time and energy to devote to him, and now I am starting to learn where to direct that energy.
