Hi Piper, Here is the other side, hope it helps your understanding. GH, you are too wonderful, how very kind and eloguent. My H had an affair, told me about it after it was over. He begged my forgiveness, told me he didn't feel like he deserved to be around decent people, would do what it took to take care of me and keep our family together, 4 kids, S 24, D22, D20, S 15. Here is what I thought and said: You piece of filthy lying worthless....shall we call your daughters so you can explain this? What will I tell my children? Now I have your filthy secret to deal with and I have to lie to them also, and pretend, which I never have. No, this isn't happening, MY husband would be sad, estranged, lonely, struggling in our marriage, (which we were,) but MY husband would never do this, he has too much integrity, I KNOW my husband, he is too good for this kind of behavior. I have looked up to him, been proud of his trustworthiness, his parenting, his providing for us. MY HUSBAND would not do this. I then named the notorious men in our community that everyone talks about for infidelity and told him I HAD thouhgt I was special for having a special man who was above this base kind of behavior, but obviously I was wrong, idiotically wrong"
So, I find out I am married to someone else than I thought I was for 20 some years. I married the totally wrong person. The ONLY thing I really wanted, the ONLY thing I have taught my children about family, about love, about caring and character, is that TRUST is the basis, the rock bottom. So, now I don't have any trust at all, I don't know him, I don't trust him, and I don't like the man he is. I don't want to be married to him. I WANT to leave and feel clean. He disgusts me. BUT, I have four children who I love more than I love myself. They know mom & dad are having hard times, but they know we are trying to make things better. Do I tell my daughters not to EVER trust men, that if you can't trust the man I taught you to trust, you should trust no one, and believe me, girls, I told you I trusted him and I was WRONG. Should I worry that my sons will repeat this behavior in their own lives? Should I tell them? When? Do I keep quiet and preserve the lie of "happy" family my kids think they come from? Or do I sacrifice myself to this lie. Its been 2 years almost. I cannot describe the depth of the hate I feel for what he did to my family. My kids come home from college and talk about other families, like, well, "Melissa's dad is a scumbag, he had an affair, can you imagine him cheating on her mom, her mom is so cute and so nice. What a creep." Do I say, "Oh no sweetie, he is an ok guy who just made a mistake--she should forgrive him." Or, how about, "No darling, don't call him a scumbag because your dad did the same thing to me and you might hurt his feelings." Now, I have to look into my daughters' eyes and listen to this, and think, what should I say? What should I do? Women friends say to me, well, if he ever cheated, that is my bottom line, I am outta here. How does that make me feel? Pastor's wife told me that herself--that she wouldn't stay if that ever happened. Wanted me to say the same thing, which I used to also say. Let's see, "Well I used to think that too, but then it happened to me and I decided that keeping my family together and forgiving my H was a better course for us--do you think I chose wrongly?" It makes me feel like a fool and an idiot for staying and keeping quiet and dying inside like I am. If I leave, I hurt my kids, all of our extended families, him professionally, me professionally, I hurt my family forward, mess up weddings, grandkids, holidays, all the things Michelle describes. If I stay, who hurts? ME.What do I have now? A hollow pretend-relationship with a man who despises himself and is awful to be around, no real smiles, all fakey ones, no one to share this with, a lie for a life, no love I can believe in, a "dutiful" husband for appearance sake, good provider, helps around the house, mechanical hugs, no sex, no peace, constant reminders of infidelity everywhere--his mother teasing me about "cute Nurses"--he is a doctor and she has no clue what happened. I picture myself saying to her, "Please don't say that, it reminds me of the affair he had with a nurse here in his hospital, and I find it kind of painful." I am told to 1. forgive 2. put up stop signs in my mind to what happened 3. get a life 4. realize that he is an ok guy who made a bad mistake. To me, this isn't a "mistake"--its a life-altering, family-altering, never-to-be-forgotten mind-brand, a deliberate suicide bombing of the meaning of love in my life. I will tell you what I want. I want it UNDONE. And if I can't have that, which I can't, I want him to HELP ME FIND SOME SORT OF PART Time peace and happiness. I want to think that my happiness matters to him, as much as his happiness. The OW--I want her to feel horror and shame for hurting me, a person she never met, in the most profound and filthy way she could, and for hurting my children, and hers, and her husband, and the rest of her extended family, whether they know or not, and I want her to spend her life making it up to all of them. So, under these circumstances, can you see how hard it is for me to be thinking about how bad he feels? Not only have I been thoroughly devalued and humiliated, I also have to help heal his self-loathing by being careful not to bring up my pain, because it hurts him, and that hurts our chances for happiness. I am trying so hard to DB, I am trying to do what we used to do for fun, making nice meals, going places with him. I don't feel I have any time to waste in getting better. I WANT to be better. I want peace, harmony, friendship, happiness, laughter, trust, comfort, to cherish him and feel cherished. I want to cuddle up and watch TV and not flinch at infidelity jokes, infidelity programs, infidelity reality shows--I want this common and low behavior of betrayal away from me and mine. I don't want him to hurt. The kids also worry about him because he seems so sad and serious and worried and rigid, which is SO unlike the guy I married. So, I have to listen to them express their concern for him and talk about how we can all help. "Well, dears, don't worry, when he forgives himself for having that little affair with , he will probably perk up, so no, its nothing you did." I want to get past this. I have forgiven HIM, but I am not anywhere near healed. I just hurt and hurt and hurt. And I trusted him, completely. Ugly stuff, this infidelity. I don't recommend it.
