Piper, I realize that I never responded in detail to your post to me...so I will do so now...
Quote: I wanted to mention that we do have the book, and have both been reading it on and off since our C recommended it. Maybe we should start reading again.
I assume you mean PM? If so, good.
Quote: If your W is like me she is scared.
If she's scared, she sure doesn't show it very well. Maybe she translates her fear into anger or defensiveness. I just can't see past that to someone who's afraid of anything but making a mistake in being with me. Maybe that's my own insecurity... well, it IS my own insecurity but like I said, fear, although you are not the first to suggest that she IS afraid, is not a thing I readily associate with my W these days. Maybe I should.
Quote: Scared that you refusing to move forward and leave this baggage behind will mean that you will never completely let yourself be happy.
One thing I think that is important to realize is that the WAS (you) are often WAY ahead of the game when it comes to the idea that we make our own happiness, or that somehow there are things we can do in our lives to affect change in that respect. It's often what made you jump ship in the first place, and ONE of the not completely evil BENEFITS your affair can have in BOTH your lives. So, to the point that my W may feel (and you may feel your H) that I don't want to be happy, I only discovered that I WASN'T happy a few months ago. Before that I thought things were pretty spiffy aside from the usual married with kids issues that everyone deals with. Of course my W (and maybe you) realized that she wasn't happy YEARS ago according to her and finally DID something about it. That would be a REALLY good thing if what she did wasn't 6'4" 260lbs of man.
I think you have to give him time to process the idea that the goal here is NOT to go back to the way things were, a way that to him still seems ok. To you however, things were decidedly NOT ok, as they were not ok for my W. For you, the idea of going back is out of the question, for him (us) going back still seems like the safest and best thing to do.
I know better, he may not and for that, you can't necessarily blame him. Maybe you can paint a good portrait for him of the place you want to go with him in terms of a new relationship and maybe THAT will help him understand that yes, you want change, but change in a VERY GOOD way this time, not a bad way.
Quote: The fact that she become annoyed by your comments means she cares a lot. Sounds weird I know, but it's every human's instinct to live and live well. The day she just takes it and shuts down is the day you should be worried.
These are truths I know. Thank you for confirming them. She did shut down during the affair and is much more open now. It's just the defensiveness that gets me. It makes me feel like there's more she's not telling me, not that she's afraid of the future or anything like that. Leave it up to the paranoid mind to think that way. I, and your H, WANT to change that but it's really hard. You have to understand that.
Quote: I know it scares me that if H continues to relate everything in our world to my A that soon it will consume our lives like a virus and we will suffocate to death, together.
I can tell you only what I THINK would work for me and that is if my W was totally open about it and did the work (BTW, I have done a TON of "work" trying to get through this, she can do SOME) to reassure me that she was here to stay. Like I said, no long unaccounted for unavailable stretches, preemptively explaining strange situations, etc. Basically, acknowledging that YOU understand how certain things look. I think eventually these things would not be necessary but for now, they sure would help ME not wonder all the time and surely if I was not wondering all the time, I would relate less and less to the affair.
Many experts advocate TOTAL transparency by the cheater as a way to gain back trust. I guess that's what I am saying here.
Quote: The truth is it's just not fair to you. She has hurt you and you cannot retaliate because you love her.
AH! I think you may be projecting how YOU would feel and if you think this of your H too, you may be poisoning the process. I don't WANT revenge on my wife. I don't WANT to retaliate. I just want my wife back. I just want my marriage back. If you walk around thinking we want to somehow pay you back (you already said you think he's punishing you all the time, something I disagree with) then it will build resentment in YOU and make YOU paranoid. I think it would be best to try to put this thought aside. I know for me it's just about the furthest thing from my mind.
Quote: When you continually bring up her A, you are telling her that she will never get you back completely. Yes you may reside under the same roof but your relationship will be hollow.
The way I look at it is that she was the one who left, it's up to her to come back to a certain extent. I have been clear about how I feel, that I still love her and want her back. She has yet to allow us to be close in many ways. Maybe that's due to my "attacks" or things I am doing but I try as best I can to show her it's safe to "love" me again but she's still distant, especially physically (something you are helping me understand).
Quote: What all this means is that you have to do more work to heal. Is it fair, no, but who cares? If it means you have a happy life together with the woman you have chosen to be your wife then isn't it worth it?
Ok, so here's the thing, by being here for the past 9 months, tearing myself up and rebuilding myself how I really am, or want to be, I chose to do what you say a long time ago. I am lucky in that respect. You H, meanwhile, may not have made that choice as early on, or even now. The things I am sharing with you are an attempt to get you to a place where you can understand him and maybe help him.
