Thanks for the smiley face It's my problem not yours. I take everything so personally. You have every right to hate me by association and definitely should not be put in a position to feel sorry for me. Truth be told, I am the dirt on the bottom of someone's shoe and you simply confirmed it for me. It's ok it's the truth. There is a stong desire for H to deal with this and move on, and that's just not going to happen, and like you or someone else said, nor should it. Who am I to have any expectations from him right now. I need to change my way of thinking about this. It's not a problem to be solved, which is how I view the general world and is quite irritating to some, but it's a process. Believe it or not, you have helped me to see that.

I wish that other people would 'attack' me the way they did with JokerMan. In a weird way, I think it would help me see it from H's side. It shouldn't matter to me if perfect strangers are offended by me, but it does anyway. Again that is my problem, and a sure sign of my lack of self worth. But if it has the potential of getting H and I past what I consider to be a road block then yes I would appreciate it. Maybe I need to be humbled more in order to not have such high expectations of my H.

I think you're just making me see the reality of the pain I've caused, which is a good thing.