Quote: I can't imagine how difficult it's been for you after being hurt so badly.
I post this quote from you kinda in response to Jade's post. I just want to say, in addition to what I have already posted, that I get the sense that no matter how much you SAY you know you don't understand how much this has hurt your H, you really DO think you understand and somehow I keep getting the sense that you think you've wrapped your head around it, figured it out and think he should have by now too.
Like Jade said, this pain (as often cited by "experts" as well) is just about as much emotional pain a person can endure. Even more than the DEATH of a spouse, their infidelity causes enduring, recurring pain that most of us have NO idea how to deal with, nor do we feel particularly motivated to. There is a sense of entitlement to our anger/pain/resentment. I think this is what you sense when you say your H doesn't want to be happy.
I think you have gotten off VERY easy here because many of the "other side" folks, i.e. AmyC, heather, Hopefullhusband, crazedmom, etc., have gotten an ear full when they first started posting about how much their actions probably hurt their spouses, etc. For whatever reason, the way your approached posting seemed to diffuse that in us but I assure you, anything that sounds like self-righteousness on your part will bring it out. I DON'T THINK you sound like that now but this idea that "I've moved on from the affair, want things to be better and can't understand why he's stuck there, relating everything back to this one thing..." kind of talk is getting there.
He/we can't move on yet because he's not finished processing what has transpired. The betrayal, pain, anger, resentment, etc, is still lurking in him and it may take a long time to leave. I hope it goes sooner or later, but in the meantime, I think the most positive sign you can give your H about your renewed commitment to him and your marriage is to stand by him while he deals with this, giving him the space, or support that he asks for.
I do believe that in time, he will begin to open up and then you can do the REAL work of dealing with the issues you now want to fix in your marriage.
Please, give it time and I think you will both end up happier and stronger than ever.
