I told my H I'd forgive him about his EA and never wanted to talk about it. But until last week I constantly thought about it, about OP, about what ifs, it was a monkey on my back. I wanted to forget but my mind kept bringing it up, at the beginning it made me sick and angry but wouldnt' tell H. It is normal to go through that anger period, it isnt' normal to rub it on an spouse over and over, I belive my H would've left again had I brought it up every and any time.
Sure, it must've hurt your H something horrible, but he needs in his heart to decide to put it behind him and NEVER to bring it up again. Have a talk w/him and explain him that every time he brings it up it creates a bigger gap between you, that you want to heal but that he isnt' letting you.
Sometimes I wanted to talk about the A just to know how deep he was involved w/her or how repentant my H really was. If you've already appologize there is no need for him to bring it up ever again. Whenever I'd push for more details my H just refused to answer, it'd made me mad but in retrospect I see that it was for the best, by not feeding my curiosity I stopped fueling the fire.
As for other issues, if they are still a problem now and are recurrent they definetly HAVE to be addressed, otherwise it is like letting a would fester and infect. He does sound like he is manipulating you w/this new "weapon" he has found. The best approach is what my H did, whenever he brings it up you tell him you aren't going there, you aren't talking about it and that if your H still has issues w/it to talk to a councelor, then leave the room. Maybe in some weird way he thinks he'll get more out of you -by making you feel guilty- by bring it up.
Good luck))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.