I wonder if anyone would be willing to help us out. Sorry I haven't figured out all the accronyms yet. I had a affair that started as an EA in September last year and turned into a PA in October, and ended after I had a stress induced breakdown in November and went to another country to get away from OM. (I had family there who I stayed with and H knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going and why). My H and I are still together. Now we are trying to recover from it.
Lately H has been having a very difficult time, it started getting bad in the last couple of months. I am not headed down the road of divorce, but I just thought there might be some people here who could help. I am definitely married to the right guy, there is no question in my mind. He says he feels the same. So it is dealing with what happened that we need help with. We've been to counsellors, individually and together.
One of my fears is that he wants to hold onto my affair, and never let himself forget it, those arent' the right words, he'll never forget it. I mean let go of it. Has anyone else experienced this? Is it the anger that makes him want to do this? What do I say and do when he is feeling this way? I am really struggling as anything I say is wrong.
Another fear I have is that any issue we have, regular things in a marriage like communication for example, get completely overshadowed by the topic of my affair. Is this the normal healing process? Should the marriage issues that we have and already had before the affair not ever be addressed? Do I put them on the backburner until H is not so angry?
H will bring up my affair, sometimes on a daily basis, and relate it to many things in our lives. I don't feel like he wants to be happy. Has anybody else in his situation felt like they wanted to hang onto the affair and relate it to nearly every thing in their current lives at the expense of their own happiness? Is this to be expected?
Another strange question, which makes me uncomfortable. H will talk and talk about my affair, and I feel sick to my stomach for hurting him so badly. This makes me either feel, or want to feel very alone. If, after his angry and hurt feelings have passed, he tries to hug or kiss me or be close in any way, I find myself unable to reciprocate. I think there are two reasons, one, I am unable to go from feeling like the scum of the earth to feeling intimate in any way, rather I feel very much alone and like I should be alone. Two, I feel he is using being intimate (including wanting sex immediately after a discussion about the affair) as a form of control and punishment. He says he's not, that sex is a way for him to feel closer to me after feeling so bad. I tell him I can't just switch that on after being beaten down (not physically) repeatedly. I feel he is punishing me and fine if that's what he needs to do, but it's a little unrealistic to think that I will suddenly be in the mood following a reminder of how awful a person I am. So my question is is this normal? Please, especially guys who's wives have cheated on them any insight would really help.
