Not one affair, but anothe OW in the wings!

[ReDesigner]

Dear Superstressed,
Yes, we are still living in the same house. He moved out of our bedroom in December when he felt it "disloyal" to the OW to sleep in the same bed as his own wife! He moved into the guest room and has been there ever since. We have had our house for sale for a few months. We wanted to move closer to the centre of town because the commute for him is too stressful and long during peak hours. (I think this contributed to our problems.) The house is also a money-gobbler and we've been renovating since we moved in two years, almost three years ago.

I'm not sure whether I can be "big" again. I told him a few months ago that I was doing a lot of introspection and had concluded that I took him for granted and took my eye off the ball concerning our relationship. I have also told him that I forgave him for the two previous affairs he had, knowing that there were a lot of strains in our lives that may have caused this. I explained I realised that there were times I didn't really listen and understand him the way he wanted. Not only did I say these things, I also emailed him while I was away. He has never replied to me about my admissions. He has never explained why he keeps having affairs. To be honest, I don't think he knows why. He only knows he's "unhappy" but hasn't delved deeply into why he behaves as he does.

Do you think it still should be repeated? I am learning more about myself every day, but am also learning how far he still needs to develop. How much should I repeat that I have made mistakes? He already believes I have been screwing up and might use my admissions as more justifications for his infidelities. How big do I need to get? Bigger and more generous still?

I understand that he is so distracted by his affair that he cannot truly hear me, let alone process what I am saying. I can write him a letter, but I don't know whether he will read it, or throw it out. This is the other reason for my moving out.

I do understand it will be a whole lot harder for me to reinforce DB, but I also realize that he feels mostly anger and depression around me. The OW gives him a positive reflection of himself. The reflection I give him is his own guilt and anger. That's one reason I feel I must remove myself, so he realizes he will still feel these things when I'm not in the picture. The longer I hang around as the scapegoat, the longer he will stay in the fantasy that I'm the cause of all his problems.

You make a very good point about 24 years together or knowing each other in a way the OW will never. I think it'll be pretty funny, actually for this surprise party tonight. I once did that for him early in our marriage. He told me "never" throw a surprise party again. He just hates them!
Touché!

Gratefully,
TS