you are missing an important point. It is a turn-off for a man to be placating but if a man is so unwilling to be placating that he sees responding to his wife's sexual desire as a placating move then he is forever going

Mojo,

Men are not going to think of it in these terms. Its going to be a reaction to a feeling that occurs in him along the lines of the competitive feeling. Its the 'being controlled' like you said your H would react negatively either way.

For me the solution was to change my perspective, and learn to re-assert. If I KNOW that a female wants a strong male, and something she does touches off a insecure feeling, a fear, a uncertainty of what to do, well then I need to be couragous. Thats the only way I will gain the confidance. If I care about messing up, how I will appear to others, or the worst, care about how she will react to whatever courageous step I take, Ill never move forward, or have success.(courageous for me --it doesnt matter if its easy for others, or if others tell me its impossible) I would be focused on everything other then what I really need to be focused on. Myself.

Since we are talking about sex specifically, just because a woman comes at you directly for sex, does not mean that your only option is to placate her. This is a issue for the HDW. Not me or with the exception of the new poster (LDM) the men on the board.

It is interesting to note that other men on this BB have conjectured that I was unconsciously using my high sex drive to "compete" with my H. IMO this is a thoroughly misguided attempt to assign male psychology to my behavior but by understanding that men naturally see "ambition" or "desire" or "drive" in terms of competitive behavior, I was able to figure out what I was doing wrong .

BINGO.
We cannot assign our motives to the opposite gender. We cannot assign our needs to the opposite gender. Well we do, but with successful results. We can use empathy, insight, awareness to see what theirs are and give that to them.
We have to see how what we are doing is perceived by our spouse.
Assigning negative attributions to them is not helpful.
Doing 180's is a reallly good way to test that out.