Scheduled Success

[MJontheMend]

I enjoyed this post because it gives me a good visual. Since I am naturally ambitious I need a mental picture to keep me from going down that competitive road again. I don't feel the need but I still need to make a conscious effort to be in a mental place that allows him to lead me.

I think the toughest thing which I mentioned in a previous post is figuring out how to be self-disciplined without being ambitious. If I don't maintain self-discipline then I sink into a funk of depression and low self-worth. Previously I could only maintain self-discipline by working towards a goal. Since I had no clue what my H's five year plan, or six month plan or plan for next weekend was or if he even had one, I had to work towards my own plans. Now I'm just working on the theory that my H is just the sort of person who doesn't make plans until he has the resources to fulfill them. I would decide that I want to go to Hawaii and then work to make money to achieve the goal. My H would work to save up money and only realize that he wanted to go on vacation when the funds were available. So, I'm sort of doing my share in the relationship without worrying about what I'm working towards. I find that it's actually pretty relaxing. My hopes are high in direct proportion to the extent that I've lowered my expectations.

[chromosphere]

BF

Chromo you entirely missed the point of this.

Or did I see the point and knew that if I responded in a certain way, it would jog you to give us one of your wonderful MF dynamics seminars? Kindof like a teacher's pet asking leading questions in class.

However, you know I think your W is highly sexually receptive, just repressed. You know when you behave appropriately, so does she.
A womans HD/LD is not in absence to her perception of her H. Its because of it.

I want to believe this SOOO badly. That if I can just start acting the right way for a long enough period of time, then her inner sex kitten will just come out naturally without any direct prodding on my part. That would be the ideal situation anyway, CeMar would agree.

I want to believe that my W does have a high level of sexuality and desire that is buried. I have seen glimpses of it.

If a man is unwilling to make steps to change his Wifes perception of him, he will have NO STATUS QUO CHANGE. If a woman wants to have a succesful M, it is her job to control her perspective.

These seem like potentially conflicting statements. Care to elaborate?

The tougher/stubborn/forceful she is, the more her H will have to be self assured.

I can see this very clearly, and it is the backdrop for my "she's just testing my resolve" frame of mind whenever I start losing my self-assurance. Whenever I keep myself in "this is a test, it is only a test" mode, I can more easily plow through the budding resentment and act appropriately. I'm not always successful though, so I'm sure that causes problems with her trust of me.

Self assured appears to other people when you have immovable boundaries. when your boundaries fluctuate, you appear placating. Even if your boundaries are not in her best interest, as long as you arent placating or supplicating she will continue to have desire.

I was going to say, let's talk concrete examples, but maybe that would be good for another thread. I'll start one. We should also discuss how to shift a boundary without it being supplicating.

Chrome

[blackfoot]

you are missing an important point. It is a turn-off for a man to be placating but if a man is so unwilling to be placating that he sees responding to his wife's sexual desire as a placating move then he is forever going

Mojo,

Men are not going to think of it in these terms. Its going to be a reaction to a feeling that occurs in him along the lines of the competitive feeling. Its the 'being controlled' like you said your H would react negatively either way.

For me the solution was to change my perspective, and learn to re-assert. If I KNOW that a female wants a strong male, and something she does touches off a insecure feeling, a fear, a uncertainty of what to do, well then I need to be couragous. Thats the only way I will gain the confidance. If I care about messing up, how I will appear to others, or the worst, care about how she will react to whatever courageous step I take, Ill never move forward, or have success.(courageous for me --it doesnt matter if its easy for others, or if others tell me its impossible) I would be focused on everything other then what I really need to be focused on. Myself.

Since we are talking about sex specifically, just because a woman comes at you directly for sex, does not mean that your only option is to placate her. This is a issue for the HDW. Not me or with the exception of the new poster (LDM) the men on the board.

It is interesting to note that other men on this BB have conjectured that I was unconsciously using my high sex drive to "compete" with my H. IMO this is a thoroughly misguided attempt to assign male psychology to my behavior but by understanding that men naturally see "ambition" or "desire" or "drive" in terms of competitive behavior, I was able to figure out what I was doing wrong .

BINGO.
We cannot assign our motives to the opposite gender. We cannot assign our needs to the opposite gender. Well we do, but with successful results. We can use empathy, insight, awareness to see what theirs are and give that to them.
We have to see how what we are doing is perceived by our spouse.
Assigning negative attributions to them is not helpful.
Doing 180's is a reallly good way to test that out.

[MJontheMend]

If I care about messing up, how I will appear to others, or the worst, care about how she will react to whatever courageous step I take, Ill never move forward, or have success.(courageous for me --it doesnt matter if its easy for others, or if others tell me its impossible) I would be focused on everything other then what I really need to be focused on. Myself.

I pretty much agree with you, however I would say that in order to be truly courageous you shouldn't focus on "yourself" you should focus on "doing the right thing". The "right thing" might not be what would make your W happy or feel secure at the moment or even what would make you happy or feel secure at the moment. For instance, if you were a HDM in a SSM you would be much more likely to be successfully Alpha in your behavior if you were thinking "Sex between a husband and his wife can be a wonderful thing." than if you were thinking "I deserve some sex.". No matter how much you f*ck up or how much flak you get from your wife you can maintain your belief in the first premise without having to be defensive. It's your faith that there is such a thing as heaven that will win converts to your camp, not your ability to demonstrate that you are free of sin and therefore deserving of such a destination. The reason people have SSM's is that nobody in the marriage truly believes that sex is a good thing to the extent that they are willing to stand up for that belief. The problem isn't HD vs.LD but rather not-HD-enough vs. not-HD-enough.

[MJontheMend]

Response to HP:

I think I'm having a hard time explaining how I achieved my current success because I am having a hard time understanding it myself. My marriage has changed a great deal. My H's behavior has changed dramatically and I am so much happier now than I was before that it doesn't even feel like the same relationship to me. I guess that I am assuming that the change in my H's behavior must be due to a change in his perspective and the change in his perspective must be due to a change in my behavior which must be due to a change in my perspective etc.etc.-LOL. So I'm trying to explain the change in my perspective but I am having a hard time doing it.

If I continue on with my religious analogy (which I hope doesn't offend anyone). Let's say that you truly believe that sex is a good thing and you are trying to preach the gospel of sex in your marriage. If your spouse is resistant or defensive then you should take this as a sign that you are not getting the message across and you need to figure out how to be a better messenger, not that your message is wrong or that you should stop preaching. Instead of focusing on the fact that it is unfair that you can't have sex because your spouse won't, focus on the fact that it is unfortunate that your spouse isn't having sex because you haven't been able to communicate your message adequately. For instance, if I stop "preaching" sex because my H tells me I am "too fat" then I am like a preacher who stops preaching because his feelings were hurt because he overheard somebody in the congregation saying that his sermon was boring. In fact, if I truly believe that sex is a wonderful thing then I would even be happy if my H was finally able to hear the message with another woman, just like a truly devout preacher would be happy to hear that the bored member of his congregation was able to find religion in another church if he was unable to figure out how to be less boring.