Another thing that had me confused was "What is the difference between feeling like you are entitled to sex and feeling like you deserve sex?". Why does one have a bad connotation but not the other? I mean a LDW might be thinking "My H feels like he is entitled to sex just because he bought me roses and cleaned the garage." while her H might simultaneously be thinking "I am a good H. I cleaned the garage and bought roses. I deserve sex.". So, although it is important to have enough self-esteem to feel like you deserve to have sex, IMO you need to transcend this realm of thinking in order to succeed. I mean few of us are perfect but we don't, for instance, come home from a bad day from work and think "I really f*cked up that deal. I don't deserve any dinner tonight.". We realize that eating a healthy dinner is part of what we do to take care of ourselves so that hopefully we can have a better day at work tomorrow. If we don't act out of the courage of our convictions in order to ensure that we get what we need in order to function healthily within the context of our marriage we are doing ourselves AND our spouses a great disservice. We are damning them to an unhappy marriage as we do the same to ourselves. Therefore, the sort of conviction we need is not "I am entitled to sex because I am married" or "I deserve sex because I am a good spouse" or "I need sex because I am HD and will feel miserable without it." but rather " I must do whatever possible to ensure that I have sex on a regular basis because I know that as a HD person I will not function well in my marriage without it.". We are better off proceeding from a conviction based on self-acceptance rather than one based on self-esteem probably because self-acceptance is the bedrock upon which true self-esteem is built. If we are truly self-accepting than "other-validation" would never be needed.
Of course, self-acceptance only comes with self-knowledge. Some HD folk might actually find that they don't need that much sex to function well once they've overcome validation and fusion issues. Others, like myself, might discover that they really do need it in some basic way like they need exercise or vitamin C once they can separate their true need for activity and nourishment from their over-the-top fantasies for circuses and cake . I feel less like a "sex-maniac" and more confirmed in my conviction that I do need regular sex now that I realize how much better I function when I have it twice a week. This makes me more inclined to be committed to a relationship with a man who is willing to meet this important need of mine, whatever his motivation, rather than seeking elsewhere for a higher level of passion or desire.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
. I feel less like a "sex-maniac" and more confirmed in my conviction that I do need regular sex now that I realize how much better I function when I have it twice a week. This makes me more inclined to be committed to a relationship with a man who is willing to meet this important need of mine, whatever his motivation, rather than seeking elsewhere for a higher level of passion or desire. 