Scheduled Success

[MJontheMend]

This concept-- sex as a bonding ritual in marriage-- is brilliant. Every word of that original post is brilliant.

Thanks. The idea came to me as I was having one of my sentimental impending "empty nest" moments. I live in a picture perfect Midwestern small town. I was thinking about how I used to appreciate the changing scenery of my own neighborhood more when I had small children I had to walk along the same path to school each morning. Then I thought about how I probably didn't really appreciate this as much when I actually was doing it. I was a "just do it" sort of child-walker. I didn't have an active or conscious desire to experience holding a little hand or watch the trees change color as the school year commenced but still the appreciation of these things would come upon me.

Anyway, this made me think about how routines in relationships can become rituals, at least in retrospect. The word "ritual" made me think of the obvious example of the devout woman who might have to drag a less than willing spouse to church each Sunday. If she was very devout and very firm in her conviction that her H must accompany her to church no matter what, then eventually even his Sunday morning grumbling would become ritualized and innocuous. I know I am venturing into the way over the top maudlin here, but the thought I had was what would happen when the woman died? Would her H wake up the next Sunday and think "Yippee, now I can sleep in." or would he take comfort in continuing the ritual of attending church?

By applying this concept to the issue of sex within marriage, I was able to see that my problem was a lack of conviction. If I truly believed that a regular sex life was a good thing and essential to the happiness of a marriage then I should be able to withstand any sort of defensive behavior my H might dish out. I think what IHJ said in her post was very true. You have to get rid of your sense of entitlement and resentment, not because it is "wrong" to feel this way, but because it is emotionally draining. You can't have a sense of conviction that you are doing the right thing if you are filled with anger and need. You need brass balls to solve the problem of a SSM and you can only go so far on false bravado which is what a sense of entitlement and resentment will get you. You need the courage of your convictions to really succeed.

P.S.- I should add here that I only really learned this in retrospect. I feel as though I floundered my way into success and now I can see how much better my marriage could have been all along if a lack of self-esteem and self-discipline hadn't hindered me from acting from the courage of my convictions. I can't even explain the way in which my view of my marriage has altered over the last few weeks. I will find myself slipping into fused thought and I realize that I don't have to think that way anymore, like when you wake up from a nightmare about high school and the anxiety instantly leaves you because you realize that is no longer your issue and a place to which you will never,ever choose to return.