Let me try to express myself more straight-forwardly. I was thinking about something that MsHD said to HD (I paraphrase) "Wouldn't you feel stupid if you had to tell your children that you were divorcing me in order to get sex?". The correct answer would be "No, because I feel like sexuality is a very important part of marriage and I am not ashamed to share that value with my children.". I realize now that I had utterly confounded myself with the Scharchian bar anecdote. If I really wanted sex why wouldn't I just tell my H that I was going to go to the local semi-yuppie biker bar in search of it when he turned me down? I mean I have no moral compunctions regarding such behavior if openly communicated so what was stopping me? The answer that should have been obvious was that though I found casual sex to be fun when I was young, I have no interest in it at this point in my life. The issue at hand wasn't just sex or just love/emotional connection, but marriage. What I want is sex within the structure of a committed relationship. The Schnarchian bar anecdote would have been an idle threat because it didn't speak to my real desires. You can't make someone feel desire for you. You can't make someone express love for you in the way that you prefer. However, you can choose to not be in a marriage in which an important value to you, in this case sexuality, is not shared or at least respected. You don't have to feel bad because you feel like you're saying "I'm leaving you and breaking up the family in order to get laid." and you don't have to justify your actions in a fused manner by saying "I'm leaving you because you obviously don't love or desire me and you are behaving quite horribly and I can't take this misery.". You can simply say something like "I am considering leaving you because I believe that sex is a very important part of marriage and your actions convey that you clearly do not share or respect that value.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
