Things continue to go quite well here in loosely scheduled sex land. My sanity is definitely benefiting from this arrangement/agreement. Interestingly, I think the biggest improvement this is going to lead to in our marriage is not necessarily an improvement in emotional connection. The biggest change that I've noticed is that it has already started to make a difference in the way I function in my marriage. Feeling "sex starved" or like I didn't know when I might get my next meal of sex caused me to be more concerned with the short-run rather than the long-run. I couldn't make good decisions in my relationship for the same reason that a starving person can't make good decisions about nutrition. By insisting on regular sex as a fundamental basis of the marital relationship, in an odd way I feel like I am more free to make "moral" or right-minded decisions within the relationship. It's like I no longer have to ask myself "Would it be okay to steal if you were starving?". Instead I can insist that "I will be fed" and state "It is wrong to steal.". I'm not implying that I was doing anything actually immoral in my pursuit of sex within my relationship, my behavior was perhaps more along the lines of too frequently acting in the interest of the short-run rather than the long-run. I guess my point is that I think regular sex will lead to an improvement in emotional connection in my relationship because it will lead to me being more responsive rather than reactive and more capable of acting in the interest of the relationship in areas outside of the sexual.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi Jenny... Just wanted to chime in and say that the lossely scheduled sex idea really has helped the overall picture of my marriage. I hope you stay with it!
I took a bit of a summer break from the board...I am going to try to catch up here and there. I am going to Niagara Falls at the end of the month for my landscape fix ( remember that)?
Glad things are going well for you Jenny. The scheduled sex idea sounds cool. Kudos to your H for sticking to it.
I am still living in existing-on-crumbs land, never knowing when I might get a decent meal. It's driving me nuts. This weekend I went sailing with some friends and colleagues. One of the guys on the trip is an old old friend of mine - I've known him 25 years, since we were in college together. There was a time long, long ago when he asked flat out if I would sleep with him, I said no. Mainly because he just asked flat out rather than bothering to romance me. Anyway we've stayed friends and every now and then it occurs to me to wonder what would have happened if I'd said yes. For one thing I do know that he ain't happy unless he's getting it every day Whether or not that would have made me the LD one I'll never know.
This weekend on the boats we decided the best sleeping arrangement would be to split into a boys boat and a girls boat. There were no couples, or even "maybe" couples in our group so that seemed like the best way. My friend (M) can be a bit of an entitlement monster so he was whinging about this arrangement as there were only 5 girls and 8 guys. Both boats having 8 berths each. As it turned out I ended up with one of the bigger cabins to myself. So M says, "I might have to bunk in with you seeing as you've got so much room". He said it in a very brotherly fashion with no ulterior motives. So I just said "Do you snore? Do your feet smell?" He agreed yes in both cases, so I said "well tough luck then". Really and truly if it hadn't been for the witnesses I'd have leapt at the chance - Lord knows why (shakes head at self). Later on I caught myself sobbing in my sleep. I'm sure none of this would be the case if I weren't existing on crumbs.
The God's honest truth is that I wouldn't rather be married to M than to my H, I wouldn't even want to have an affair with him - but these thoughts enter my head because I'm not getting any. I see a potential tasty meal with all the trimmings and I want some.
There's a message there for all the LD spouses reading this. I can understand your feelings but be careful what you are doing to the spouse that feels deprived of love and affection because you deprive them of sex.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Re Fran There's a message there for all the LD spouses reading this. I can understand your feelings but be careful what you are doing to the spouse that feels deprived of love and affection because you deprive them of sex.
Do you think your LD spouse would read the forum?
What is in your message is true for many SS spouses.
I too, have found a lot of plusses for the whole scheduled idea that I never really thought about. We have an arrangement to have sex every Thursday night. At first, my wife agreed to this whole idea and then threw a giant hissy fit about it and didn't react real well, but as the weeks continue she has grown more accustomed to the idea. I wish she was enjoying it more, but I understand that at this point she is simply doing it to make me happy and (hopefully) she'll enjoy it more as time continues. She says it's a matter of baby steps and right now all she is doing all she can do by just allowing it to happen. That is a lot pf progress coming from someone that last year could not even be touched, so... while I wish it could be better, I am working to accept her going along as progress.
But to some benefits.. I used to really struggle with initiating as I knew that I would most likely be turned down. This was a big blow to me and then followed with the whole "when can I try again?" thought. Now, I know when I get to do it and I can focus in on that.
This has increased our sexual communication as we both know what is going on and when. More importantly, she knows when it WONT happen and that puts her at a lot more ease. She doesn't have to worry about coming home late to find me "waiting for her". She doesn't have to worry about me being grabby about body parts. If its not Thursday, it's not something that I can do.
It has helped her to know little things that I do, that are not meant to initiate. What I mean is there are alot of things that I do on a regualr basis that I think she thought I used to do to initiate, where I had no intention of initiating and this led to quite a bit of frustration for both of us. Now, I can do those things and she can learn that when I do them, I am NOT actually trying to initiate, it's just an normal thing. For instance, as I go to sleep, I love to put my hand on the small of her back where her shirt slips up a little. To me, it was just a simple way to connect with skin as I am nodding off and is comforting to me. To her, I was trying to shove my hand up her shirt, which is not at all what I was intending. And now with that "you don't have to worry about it, it's not Thursday" thing, she is learning that there are things I do, that are not meant as initiation.
Also for me, I am learning how to take the sexual "urges" and control them. This past Saturday, I was so dang horny I felt like I was going nuts. To make matters worse, for about 3 hours in the afternoon, all the kids were gone and my wife and I were home alone. We don't get that too often. But I knew that If I caved on my end of the deal, it would blow all that I had accomplished with this and it would break that trust that she doesn't have to worry about that part of the relationship on Saturdays. So I had to dig deep, and work through it... which is good for me. Prior to this arrangement I would have said to myself "Why not go for it... you may not have another chance for months and by not taking this opportunity, I am just hosing myself". In other words, if you are starving and you see food.. why not go for it? You never know when the food may come back! Whereas now, why take the chance to grab the cracker that you more than likely wont get, when you know there is a full meal a short hike away. Sure the meal may only be dried bread, and I wish it was a huge turkey dinner, but if I know its there, I can plot along to get it.
Plus, this has helped me to not focus on sex as much (giant shock!) It used to be all consuming. Now, I know it is pointless to dwell on it most days, as I can guarantee it wont happen. (Ok, sure it used to be like that all the time, but it didn't stop me from thinking about it) Now, I know what is going on, she knows what is going on and it seems to help in a lot of areas. Now, if I could just get her to enjoy it more.... I'll save that for another thread...
Thanks for dropping by with the words of encouragement. I hope you get the landscape "fix" you need- LOL.
Hap- Hang in there sister. Remember even Jimmy Carter lusted in his heart- LOL.
UPDATE:
Things continue to go remarkably well in Mojoland. It seems to be the case that "Do Mojo" is finally written in permanent marker on my H's "To Do" list. Yes, I do get an eensy-beensy feeling that something is being checked off a list when my H initiates on our bi-weekly schedule but I think we've both grown enough over the last couple years to make it not such a big deal. It's more like he's checking something like "Bake Mojo a cake and then eat it with her." off his list rather than something like "Take Mojo's trash to the curb."- LOL. I think this is partially due to my H's increased confidence in his cake baking skills and partially due to my increased confidence in believing that I damn well deserve some cake tempered by my acknowledgement that perhaps I'm a bit greedy for cake and haven't always acted in my own best interest in my pursuit of cakey goodness.
Anyway, getting it regular and predictable twice a week appears to have completely cured me of my semi-manic sexual obsession which kept me posting here like a semi-maniac . I wish I could figure out what I finally did right so I could be more helpful to you guys on the BB who are still struggling. The simplistic explanation would be that I finally actually straight-out suggested that I would be willing to divorce my H over this issue but I don't think that doing that would have worked for me two years ago. One thing that occurs to me is that though it is true that HD folk look for emotional connection through sex, this important fact may be largely irrelevant or counter-productive to resolving the problem of a SSM. Transferring a problem from the practical, physical, tangible mode into an emotional, non-quantifiable, ever-changing mode makes it more difficult to solve. I mean the problem "We aren't having sex very often" is easier to solve than the problems "I don't feel much sexual desire" and the problem " I don't feel loved when we don't have sex.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I mean the problem "We aren't having sex very often" is easier to solve than the problems "I don't feel much sexual desire" and the problem " I don't feel loved when we don't have sex.".
How have you managed to remove the "Desire" issue?
Re MoJo One thing that occurs to me is that though it is true that HD folk look for emotional connection through sex, this important fact may be largely irrelevant or counter-productive to resolving the problem of a SSM. Transferring a problem from the practical, physical, tangible mode into an emotional, non-quantifiable, ever-changing mode makes it more difficult to solve. WTG Jenny.
Lou, I'm not sure if my H would read the forum. I have many times thought about cut and pasting sections to e-mail to him, but then I think that's a bit selective like I'm editing what I want him to know about. He knows I come here but he's never shown any interest in looking (at least not as far as I know).
Mojo, I'm so happy for you It's amazing really that such a simple solution can work. I can count 3 successes for scheduled sex from this board just off the top of my head, there's you, HappyGiant and Slipperysammy.
I think you are right though there's so much other work that has gone into the R before you got to the place where you could just lay a demand on the table and make it clear it was a deal-breaker.
Is your H a 4? Just wondering 'cos mine definitely is and I'm not sure I can imagine the romantic 4 type going for the idea of scheduling sex. On the other hand maybe I should just schedule it without bothering to tell him. I always initiate anyway so I could just think to myself, on Saturdays and Thursdays I'll jump his bones. But hang on that's not really the issue. It's the fact I do always initiate that bugs me. The reason we can go 2 or 3 weeks with nothing is because I keep holding out waiting for him to initiate. Then eventually I'll crack, and all is fine, but for the feeling of resentment that it had to be me yet again, and the feeling of not being desirable.
Anyhoo - got the old meat and two veg just the other night so not feeling to down about things just now
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Whether or not that would have made me the LD one I'll never know. 
It's amazing really that such a simple solution can work. I can count 3 successes for scheduled sex from this board just off the top of my head, there's you, HappyGiant and Slipperysammy.
just the other night so not feeling to down about things just now 