This is my first thread. It's been a little over 2 months since I discovered about the OW. And it's been the longest and most difficult time of my life needless to say. We've been seeing a counselor immediately after everything came out and things seemed to have been progressing in the right way although he has yet to completely break off the relationship because of emotions that are involved with this OM. On the fourth of July, I came to a turning point where after he stood me up to spend time with the OW, I told him I wanted him out of the house. My H told me to give him a week and that he wouldn't see her for that time. Since then, he would see her with other friends to "take care of loose ends." It was usually a Sunday. He was coming home everyday and earlier than usual. I was happy for the next 3 weeks because he was coming home. We didn't bring up about the EMA because we wanted to focus on "us." Although he was coming home all this time he wasn't being as affectionate like the previous weeks. I kept on showing my affection, but nothing was reciprocated. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he said it was stress; from work as well as the home situation. Then out of the blue he told me yesterday that he signed a 6 month lease to rent a room because he felt like he was under house arrest. I don't know where that came from. He moved a few of his stuff out and slept there. Today was my last day of vacation before I head back to work tomorrow. I texted him in the am asking if he'd be over today to spend family time before I go back to work. When he finally responded, he said he had things to do. I was crushed, especially because we have 2 young children (6 &4). I'm at a loss and am tempted to call or text him to find out what lead him to feel that way. He never said anything to me and in our last conversation about wheather or not he should move out, he gave me a list of reasons why he didn't want to. Any advice? I know I need to focus on myself, taking care of my health, mind and soul but it is very difficult when I have so many questions and he doesn't want to talk about it. When do I start working on trying to trust him or forgive him when he hasn't even ended the relationship? At what point does that come into play?
Quote: And it's been the longest and most difficult time of my life needless to say.
We all understand, and we've all been there (are still there). It WILL get better, I promise.
Quote: We've been seeing a counselor immediately after everything came out and things seemed to have been progressing in the right way although he has yet to completely break off the relationship because of emotions that are involved with this OM.
No surprise here other than the immediate therapy. Are you both getting something out of this? Are you addressing your REAL issues, not just the affair? I ask this because if you were it may not have come as a shock when he moved out. I think in a case like many of us have, it's VERY easy to focus on the affair not only in counseling but in our minds. This is a cancer that can eat your soul. You need to set the affair aside and focus on you first, then the other issues in your marriage you can see were a problem. The affair is a symptom.
Quote: My H told me to give him a week and that he wouldn't see her for that time. Since then, he would see her with other friends to "take care of loose ends." It was usually a Sunday. He was coming home everyday and earlier than usual. I was happy for the next 3 weeks because he was coming home. We didn't bring up about the EMA because we wanted to focus on "us." Although he was coming home all this time he wasn't being as affectionate like the previous weeks. I kept on showing my affection, but nothing was reciprocated. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he said it was stress; from work as well as the home situation. Then out of the blue he told me yesterday that he signed a 6 month lease to rent a room because he felt like he was under house arrest.
Seems to me this is textbook behavior for a WAS that still cares for the LBS and doesn't want to hurt them any more. They feel guilty so they confess the affair but still want to continue it. It's a confusing time for them and I believe these kinds of WAS lie more than others because part of it is to hide their actions for the normal reasons (guilt, shame, excitment) and part is to spare us more pain. It's a pretty lame excuse but I think it's probably true to a certain extent. Remember, it's important to understand that this affair is not being done to hurt you, it's because it makes HIM feel better, better enough to risk hurting the ones he loves.
My W said and did pretty much the same thing and while she never left the house, she did have a talk with me after a long period of things being "better" where she told me basically that they were still "worse".
I think the important thing is for you to keep posting, reading and most of all, re-center your life on you and your kids. I think you need to allow yourself some time regroup but then make yourself GAL and pursue some new things, even if it's with the kids, to take your mind off things.
Your H said he felt trapped. Open the cage door. This won't work if you are still trying to pin him down. Do the best you can with YOU and if that's something he values, then he'll have to try to find a way back to it, if not, well, you can't force him to "get it".
There is ALWAYS hope but I really think we are our own worst enemies in this process. Please, work FOR what you want, not against what you don't. There IS a difference.
grasshopper: thank you for your input. Nice to know I'm definitely not the only one out there that feels this way. Will keep in mind and practice your advice. keep you posted!
Hi GH! Just got home with the kids. Hard to say. Working on them one by one. Very difficult when I'm looking for immediate results that I know I will not get. Just want to move on and work on "us." I had a solo session 2 fridays ago and my H was just this past friday. We go back together this coming friday. Like and am comfortable with dr. and finally started to see what he was talking about after I found out about DB. What an eyeopener! Feel like we've slipped backwards with H not at home though. Just wish he would be completely open and honest, with me but also with himself. Confirmed by dad's suspicions with him this weekend. Of course, his reactions were what to be expected. My mother has known since day 1, but I was too ashamed to tell my dad. Haven't told H because I'm sure he won't be too thrilled about it. Been trying to keep it under wraps from family and friends as much as we can but can't go on with the deceit. Being back to work is helping keep my mind off of things. And now with the BB, I'm feeling better about not being alone in this.
hello. jus wondering if anyone has suggestions/opinions about when to start trusting and forgiving S. Where do you start and can you when OR is not completely over?
Trust is a funny thing. My ideas of what it means have completely changed through this experience. I don't think it really exists in any meaningful way. People will always do what they want to do and what makes them happy at the end of the day.
I 'trusted' my H to be faithful to me and he wasn't. He did what he wanted. He might end it and come back to me (not looking terribly likely at this point), but then I would only be able to 'trust' him until/if it happened again.
This would not stop me having a R with him, but I don't think trust really exists. I would do everything to make my M work and affair-proof it, but accept that he could go off at any time if the M wasn't meeting his needs.
I suppose this is a rather depressing way of looking at things. I think I might need some therapy after my D is final.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
I read somewhere that the mistake we, as a society, make is by putting so much emphasis on the permanence of marriage rather than on the process of being married. It kind of fits with what you are saying flip. We become so infatuated with the idea of permanence once we get married that we forget about the process of staying married and building those relationships. I guess the author believes we have a false security built up. It's kind of like believing that you must be safe because you are at home but you leave all the doors and windows open! If society put emphasis on the process of M versus the permanence than maybe relationships would be better for all. the idea that "this is forever no matter what" actually may endanger our relationships and therefore invites situations that violate trust. I hope that made some sense?If not, it's the best that I can do!
thanx for your perspective. sorry to hear about your D. H surprised me and kids and is actually here now. good timing as kids could sense something is different. i guess, time eventually will help. i know the wine is right now! (LOL) =) thanx again
Hi all! Been quiet for the last couple of weeks since H moved out. It's been 5 days since kids have seen him. Amazingly they haven't asked much about him. I think they have just gotten used to him being at work alot. Last nite they waited for him to come home, but was able to get them situated cuz it was sooo late. Taking one day at a time. Prior to the last 5 days, he was coming over for the last 7!. Not sure where we're heading at this point. Don't talk about any R when we spend time together. He's said to the MC that he doesn't see this (moving out) as a hinderance to us making our M work. I know he needs his own time to just himself to reflect and take perspective on the whole situation. I want to so much believe in him and trust him, but the days that are not good days, it starts to eat up inside. Been keeping busy with work alot and of course the kids. Haven't communicated at all since we had dinner on Wednesday. Trying to finish DB book and move on to the others. OW isn't due back from a working trip til either next week or hopefully 2 more weeks! Will see what happens then. Our next MC session is this coming Friday. Don't see us talking much before then because of a busy work week. I'm sure he's going to want to see the kids. Thinking,.... if he wants to see them and I'm busy with work, he'll have to pick them up at my mom's for the couple of hours til I get home, and then take them back later in the evening. Don't think he'll do that, and if he does....wow! What a step for him!
