have I lost it?

[LeftAlone]

W42
H37
M 6.5 yrs.
S3
Bomb 20 months
D 7 months
Hi!
I am very new here, and don't know where to put this. I would like some straight help though. I have tried to obtain it from real live people, but only half success. Still working on geting proper counseling. I love reading on the forums, hope mine won't be too long, lol
To condense a 20 month occurance (lifetime for me) to a simple reading:
I need help to realize I am not a lost cause, not a monster, not a vile snake, not a terrible, rejected woman. Half the time, I want to die. Why? you ask, I finally had to obtain a copy of my divorce decree and face the awful truth of my life. I was in hospital Feb 2005-Aug 2005. In the meantime, my xH prepared to divorce me, it was final in December 2005. 7 months later now, I am still struggling a lot. He only talked to me about this once. I did not go to the divorce hearing, cuz my STUPID cousin and STUPID aunt told me not to. They thought I could not handle it w/ my mental health. My sons laywer even suggested I be there. My cousin did not tell me that until after. That really hurt my chances with the judge at seeing my child. My XH was awarded all our earthly possessions. He got both cars, sold the house, etc. My xh had a lawyer, he said it was cuz Child Proction Service had (not now) temp. custody of our son. I think the lawyer was to help him divorce me, but he would not admit that. I did not have a laywer. I don't even know how to explain this.

I don't understnd how a man that says he is, acts Christin can just throw his marriage vows away with no remorse.
I don't understand how I can go on with this mistake of existance I now have. HOW?
I don't understand how he can just cut me off of his life and act like I am dead.
I don't understand how a man can justify that he is keeping his son safe, by making the court to have ideas that he not see his mother. I was a good mother for 16 months of his life. I did everything possible to bring a healthy, smart, happy, wonderful child into our lives. I wanted to be with this man for ALL of my life.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T LET HIM GO. I ask you cuz I am very depressed and hate that I cannot stop thinking about my failure and my guilt.

The papers said I cannot see nor visit my 3 yr. old son. I dropped him when he was 16 months old. Ex told me that CPS informed him he HAD TO divorce me if he wanted to keep our son out of foster care. I seriously doubt this as truth. He would not try counseling, he would not talk to me, he was afraid of CPS when he came to visit me at the hospital 2 times. He would not face me at all. He has 4 sisters and they coddle him. I wanted to watch my only child grow up.
NOW, I DO NOT KNOW MY BABY!! His birthday is 8-28. The breakdown occured when I was stressed and heartbroken cuz my father DIED of a heart attack 3 days before. now, my ex tells the court I threw my son down--the court (Harris County-Houston, Tx). He says I am making up excuses for what I did. The judge decided that, due to all the lies and exaggerations my ex told, I have a history of family violence. I disagree. I have a chemical brain imbalance and was not medicated or treated. My husband did not think I needed help. He helped me or got me to believe I was doing okay with out meds. BUT, I was not doing ok.
now, i have lost it EVERYTHING!!!!!! I was coping, cuz I did not have the decree. I was in denial before cuz I did not know the truth of the decree. I feel my life is sh** now. I get strong reading these posts from other strong people, but I cannot seem to do it for me. Have an affair or something else, at least you wopuld know the facts. I feel like a varmit that should be put in the trash cuz I do not know the truth and I lost my husband cuz I had an emotional breakdown.
I was so looking forward to seeing my sons beautiful face again. I had written my xh a 5 page letter. I am very scared to send it. I do not want a response. I just want to tell him he could see me in a differnt light and try to relate that I needed meds to help me cope. I hoped he would support me in my time of illness so we could've had a normal, healthier life. I really did have belief things could get better. I loved him so much, but he said he did not trust me anymore. It hurts so much for someone you love to say that. I AM afraid he will use the letter against me.
He was never mean, cruel, a liar to me during our marriage. He was always kind, caring, patient and understanding. He is 180 degree differnt person. We prayed together and he was healed of asthma. NOW, I just hate living. I did one thing wrong and I AM screwed for life!
I DO want to "show him" I can survive. If I mail the letter, he will think I am same or worse. I'm not worse, but not better or where I want to be. I know he is not the greatest or most handsomem, BUT I was happy he was mine and he has my baby. I am so tired of crying, yet that is the least negative thing I can do now.
Where is God????? HOW do I pray??
WHAT TO DO????? write to me, Thank you for your time,
LeftAlone