Done! And let me just say . . . WHEW! I'm glad to hear that you aren't throwing in the towel!
OK . . I just have to say. I am scared! I don't want Kevin to let me down. It's a huge weight that he's carrying. I have my own to carry though . . . we're all full up here! Amy I just don't know if I can tell him to bugger off.
I don't know exactly what he thinks .. . or exactly what he wants. It seems to change with the day. I know that he is still with her and will be until at least the 18 . . maybe indefinately. How do I convince myself that taking the risk of telling him the way it's gonna be is worth losing my marriage. I'm scared to be the one that screws it all up. I mean he hasn't filed yet. Hell he hasn't even taken my photos of his wallet (he said, "There was an US and that will never change why give up all the memories). I feel like a still have a toe over the line. Maybe I'd be better off without him, but I got into this mess . . I'm gonna stick with it. LOL! I just need to know how to proceed. Do I really get tough with him?
Actually, no, it isn't. You are already doomed to fail, because you won't make a commitment to victory. Emily, Yoda had it right when he told Luke Skywalker, "Do, or do not. There is no try." You are constantly referring to "trying", because you don't want to do the right thing, but you still want credit for it.
What Amy and others have challenged you to do is not to climb Mt. Everest, Emily. It's a simple thing that is completely within your power if you commit to it. You won't commit because you enjoy living on the impulse of the moment, and you enjoy the drama.
If you're going to be happy in the long run, you're going to have to learn the power of delayed gratification. Sometimes, a little patience and endurance can produce lasting joy.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
My first reaction is of course anger RB. You always seem to hit the right nerve. Don't know why.
If he comes back and honestly starts making the right moves next weekend. I don't know how I could possibly turn him away.
I'm REALLY worried that if I make the wrong move now it'll be over and my girls and I are without him forever. I'm trying to get a feel for the sitch. I'm trying to wait and see how much he is feeling/doing. If I come off "half-cocked" at him. I know what he'll do . . he'll get REALLY mad and leave. That's his style. If he thinks I'm bluffing and puffing up at him. He'll take it all the wrong way and it'll all be over. I have to get my mind around somethings first. I have to come to terms with divorce before I even dare to fully get tough with him. I'M NOT THERE. Maybe I'm 10 feet up Mt. Everest and I've already gotten too tired . . . time to set up camp for awhile. I'm just hanging out. That's the truth. I'm not ready to get tough. I'm not really ready for anything. Too much has been thrown around in the past 3 months. Well almost 4 months I guess. My head is too spinny.
It's not the drama . . I'm not trying to stay in the spin cycle. Actually I'm trying to get a level head so I can get out of. I'm in enough of a spin cycle with my daughter I DAMN sure don't need it from my H. If I wanted drama and attention . . . I'd be all about Kiya. That's WAY more important . .
The difference is . . with Kevin I have options . . and I have to pick carefully. With Kiya . . I can only pray . . . and wait. I can't make the choice to fix it.
So "I'll REALLY try." is the best I can do right now. It's going to have to be good enough.
Quote: So "I'll REALLY try." is the best I can do right now. It's going to have to be good enough.
Good enough for what? It doesn't have to be good enough for me, Emily -- you don't need my approval.
Setting yourself up for failure isn't going to be good enough to get you the life you want, Emily. To get that, you're going to need some determination to succeed.
Honestly, what is it going to be "good enough" for, other than continuing to keep you in your ongoing emotional patterns?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I'm REALLY worried that if I make the wrong move now it'll be over and my girls and I are without him forever. I'm trying to get a feel for the sitch. I'm trying to wait and see how much he is feeling/doing. If I come off "half-cocked" at him. I know what he'll do . . he'll get REALLY mad and leave. That's his style. If he thinks I'm bluffing and puffing up at him. He'll take it all the wrong way and it'll all be over. I have to get my mind around somethings first. I have to come to terms with divorce before I even dare to fully get tough with him. I'M NOT THERE.
Emily, I find it scary how you seem to think that everyone here is cheering you and advising you on getting divorced. Have you not realized where you are? Do you really think that all these wonderful people here, telling you to think about yourself, stand strong, protect yourself... are doing this so you'll get a D?????? You've suggested this various times, not just this once.
You have to get tough and be separated for a while to SAVE you marriage, not to get divorced. The whole fear of dropping the rope in fear that H will flee is DB basics. He has flown! Re-read the book.
In an earlier post you were going on about raking up $$ for a lawyer so you could just get the D over and done with? Use that money towards a better use - get therapy... you really need to start believing in yourself and loving yourself.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
If you need something that'll make you feel like your sitch ain't so bad you ought to keep an eye on the crap I've got stirred up in mine tonight. My husband is raising hell!!
But you can just think of it as me just doing my little part to make you feel like there's hope....
Now if you will excuse me I'm gonna undergo a complete break from reality in a corner somewhere ...
Emily - I say, don't worry about being tough or not. This is not a time to pursue, punish, or push. It's a time to Wait and See what he will do. Just be calm and wait. Either he will dump her off, come running back to you, and agree to the things you tell him he will have to do to regain your trust - OR - he won't.
As for him not calling you right now - let's be realistic, okay? He's stuck on the road with this woman. Calling you in front of her will only provoke her. He's told you his plans to get out of the sitch - give hin the time and space to do so. Don't give her the chance to look good by being a crazy person on the phone with him. You want to look GOOD in comparison to her - you want to look calm, loving, SANE, while she looks pushy and obnoxious.
Take a mental vacation from the sitch for a week, okay?
