Emily, That sounds great! But I still think its too soon.
I think you have to prepare yourself for what happens if/when he flip-flops again? I Mean, yes we could be looking at another Jokerman sitch, but what if he still treats you like S*** when he gets there?
I would just respond everything he says with something like "Do whatever you feel the need to do", but at the same time protect myself and my kids. I would not be comfortable with him coming back home all of a sudden. I would want him to start slowly again... to make sure he means what he says. I would let him see kids at specific times for a specific number of hours, just until you're sure this isn't all temporary. I'd get totally out of his way. No R talk. If he brings it up I'd probably say that right now, I'm not ready to talk about it but could we talk about it in a week or so. (That way you don't backslide without seeing what's going on with him).
I would not let it get into an R right away - well actually I wouldn't even be thinking of that right now...
But, more importantly. Please, please, please don't get your expectations up... don't go on that high again that is sooo high, you come crashing down. Try to maintain a neutral position.
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
I don't know! I guess you all are right! Geesh. . .
I don't know . . maybe I should just change my phone number again. . . . I don't know anymore. This whole thing has me going crazy. I've been mean and nasty all day. I can't get my head right.
I just feel so wrong. Because I just want to try again . . . but I knew that the answer would be NO. I knew it.
I can't do this anymore. I can't stand that I get angry and start to really push him out of my life . . . and then I'm told about having forgiveness (not that it's wrong advice) . . . so I hurt more and then . . . Then when he wants to come back all roads point to divorce. I feel like I am CONSTANTLY going in two or EVEN three somedays . . .different directions. I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE!
Emily.... geez, two days ago this guy was a wife beating, digital camera stealing, adulterous drug addict.
Remember?
You HAVE to stop letting him dictate your life. Here's what you do. You say "I am glad we talked, Kevin, but I just don't know how I feel."
The end.
Because, first of all... it's the truth.
Second of all, his response will tell you how serious he is about you. If he truly wants to make amends, he will accept that and continue to show you that he is sincere. If he get pissy about you asserting yourself, well, then, frankly... he's no big loss.
Right now he thinks he can lie to you, steal from you, cheat on you, and fail to support his daughters... and you will take him back every single time he wakes up in a nice mood. So now OW is bothering him? This guy was gonna marry her last week. Give me a break, you really want to be part of his crazy again?
The only way he will ever respect you and take your marriage seriously is if you put your foot down and say "No more, not right now." It doesn't mean things can't work out. It just means that you are making the decision, not him. You need to call the shots, Emily. Because right now... he devalues you so much, that if you take him back right away, NOTHING will stop him from doing this again. And again. And again. Like he has all summer long.
Just tell him the truth. Tell him you have no reason to believe him right now and you need time. Then leave it alone, see what happens, and FOCUS ON YOU.
I don't understand how I can except it when my marriage is over if he's the one that walks away. But for me to walk away . . it's devastating.
WAIT I take it back . . I do know why.
He walks away and I love him still. I walk awaya and moves on FAST. I mean hell he's had a girlfriend for 8 months and he and I were still "working it out".
She said they were getting married and yatta yatta yatta. He told me "he loved her more than me" . . so I assumed that she was telling the truth when she said he had talked about marriage and whatnot. I'll never know the truth from him. Doesn't matter anyway.
I don't know what to do.
I don't understand why he puts me in the position where I have to be the one to walk out of our R. I really don't. He's asked to come back . . and I of course told him I did still love him . . and I didn't want a divorce . . etc. It's all VERY true. But I know the heavy R talk is coming. He'll expect things to start over . . . like a magic reset button gets flipped and we'll just move on like this crap never happened. I mean sure he'll do things differently (I hope he lives up to that.)
I CAN'T . . . I'm drowning . . I can't focus on a damn thing. I just can't get my head right. NOT AT ALL! I've just . . . I don't know . . . I think I took the dive right off the deep end. WOW . . . He's really sent me spinning. And I can honestly say I wasn't excited or anything . . . I just . . . WOW . . . . I don't know. I don't like that now I'm going to lose my upperhand . . .
I don't like that I feel like I've lost all my grip on reality.
EVERYTHING is driving me crazy today.EVERYTHING . .
Don't equate yourself to him. He isn't making you do anything. You aren't the one walking away like he did.
I've said several times you need to be a mentally healthy happy person with or without him. Stop allowing him to dictate your life to you, because that is what you are doing. You're his bitch. I know that's harsh, but its true.
What are YOUR terms, what do YOU want? If you let him come back without some kind of boundaries and standards he will keep sh!tting on you. Be a strong woman and set a good example for your girls, and that means getting a life with or without him.
Work on yourself Emily. Work on a career, go learn to do something new, take your kids to new places, join a book club and read good books, do the things *you* want to do. You don't have to make a decision right now about your marriage, let him show you how much he wants you back, otherwise you are just setting yourself to start this all over again.
Quote: Emily.... geez, two days ago this guy was a wife beating, digital camera stealing, adulterous drug addict.
Remember?
I know it! None of that has changed. Of course only 9/10 of it is proven. Not that it makes it better.
Sorry . . . . I sort of had an attack there. I got out of the house . . and actually feel better now. Not leveled yet. But better.
I don't know exactly what boundaries to set. I guess that's the big problem . . . that's why he can keep walking on me. Cause I let him . . . cause I don't really care.
I don't know . . . give me a night or two to sleep on things and I'll find more solid ground. We'll see if he even ever calls again. Tomorrow Felina turns two! It has to be a good day. I'm not allowed to be cranky on her b-day. Poor little angel . . .
I'm still lost and confused . . with no clear direction.
I know you all tell me not to let him affect my life but his choices do. I mean either he's going to file for the D and we will do that or he's not. It's to totally different courses of action. I mean really. Life isn't the same either way. I'm trying to do this the right way though . . I just have to figure out how to process the advice given . . I'm bad at that part. Sorry
Quote: I know you all tell me not to let him affect my life but his choices do. I mean either he's going to file for the D and we will do that or he's not. It's to totally different courses of action. I mean really. Life isn't the same either way.
Emily, I don't think you understand what people have been saying to you or you are resisting it.
You need to take care of yourself whether you are with him or not, you need to develop yourself as a person whether you are with him or not, you need to be able to support yourself and your children whether you are with him or not. You need to work on yourself so you are never in this position again whether you are with him or not.
You can take care of the above matters if he files for divorce, goes back to whatsername, or starts to show you he is going to be a real man. If he doesn't want the new and improved Emily, then his loss. If he does, then let him show that he does. Either way, there needs to be a new and improved Emily and this is what I mean by not letting him control your life. He can take it (on your terms) or leave it.
FELINA IS TWO TODAY! Now not officially until 7:58 PM . . . LOL
I can't believe it. My H called and talked at her for a minute this morning. I heard him appoligizing that he couldn't be here and that he hadden't gotten her a b-day present yet. He told her he'd make it up when he came "home" next weekend. She doesn't understand but she got all happy and yelled and "talked" to him. It was cute! Made me cry actually. Then he asked me what was wrong and the only thing I could think to say was, "Well I miss ya." STUPID ME. . . I'm not trying to turn it into a guilt trip.
I'm not trying to let my heart go back to him. . . Chances are he won't ever really come back to me. Hell I don't know.
It's so damn hard.
This whole Kevin-Go-Round SUCKS! I'm ready to puke! LOL!
Well I have to make a cake and such . . . . I should get on it!
Quote: You can take care of the above matters if he files for divorce, goes back to whatsername, or starts to show you he is going to be a real man
I know . . . since we split back in December. I've gotten MY OWN apartment and I've come a long way. If he did file for the D and go with Cassie . . . I'd be fine. I mean sure the child support would be nice to have. I mean it's hard since I haven't been working (no one wanted to hire a pregnant lady go figure) since I lost my job when he kicked me out and shipped me up here. I am looking for work . . and I have started to go back to school . . . I am working toward being a more self reliant person . . . That's nothing I'm going to stop because of him. It's difficult to tell him no when he wants to do something. But I understand that I have to, and I do it. I.E. - When he talks about getting a different apartment or like he was talking about "US" trading in that old car on a newer one (since it keeps crapping out on us anyway) and I just said, "There would have to be an us first Kevin."
I mean I do understand and I am doing some of those things. Maybe I am crazy because I see all the awful things he's done and is. . . and I still absolutely love him . . I'm still waiting for that sweet guy I met and fell in love with to come back out. Am I just REALLY stupid?
Again I know the odds aren't in my favor (seeings as he still has another 8 days on the road with her) . . and nothing is sure. But am I stupid for even considering this? (I just want HO)
