Lastnight around 11 my H called me . . . and we talked for an hour and a half. He IS in fact REALLY worried about Kiya. His OW though kept bitching at him because obviously to find out about Kiya he has to talk to me. So without really asking she is asking him to choose between his kids and her.
He said he can't stand anymore. They been on the road together since last Thursday and he said he wants to throw her out onto the highway in another state and just keep driving. He said he misses me . . . he said, "For some reason Emily I always love you . . and even when I REALLY think I want to I can't get you out of my head. I don't really want you out of my life for good." He hasn't filed for the D . . . said he doesn't plan on it. Said as soon as they get home (August 18) . . he is dropping her off and he's going to be done with her. He said this was great for him because he realized that she's all wrong for him. . . etc.
Geesh . . . the poor guy. We chatted it up . . . just talking about general stuff. It was nice to just talk to him without expectations or questions or ANYTHING! He called me this morning too . . . just to say goodmorning and tell me it might be a few days before he can call again (depending on what state he has to go to next).
I don't know what to do? How do I react? What do I do? He wants to come see the girls and I on the 19th (he said that too . . he said, "I want to see my kids but could I come for you too?")
I don't want to go through this cycle again guys. What do I do?
Anyone got ANYTHING?
I'm nervious. . . .
I realize there is no pressure at the moment . . but d@mn I'd like to have a plan!
Help me out guys!
I know that I have to stick to my plans . . . do all the things I am going to do anyway.
NO PROBLEM!
BUT . .
I guess my question is:
Do I let him come back?
Do I let him try to prove himself?
Do I let it get to a R and see where it goes?
or
Do I put my foot through the floor and say NO MORE . . file the D?
OH MY . . .
It doesn't feel like rollercoaster it feels like a ship lost at sea caught in a hurricane! YIKES!!
HELP!!!
(Thanks Ali . . .we posted right around the same time . . can't wait to hear more from you . . from a normal keyboard at that )
Hi Emily, this is my first post here, but I have been following your situation from the beginning. You have been getting excellent advice throught your ordeal. Here's mine:
Most of the people here have been encouraging you to use your recent unfortunate experiences with your husband to grow yourself as a person. People tell you to get a life and realize that you cannot control him or his actions.
Please do not forget this that now that his wind seems to be blowing in another direction. I know you say you love him, but is he really the kind of person you want to be married to? He's treated you very poorly and appears to be an immature selfish baby.
I suggest create some high standards for yourself and do not allow him back unless he can be the kind of man you deserve. Do not be happy to get crumbs from him. He needs to prove to you that his is worthy of you, I can't imagine haveing two small children, one of whom is sick, with a husband who is emotionally a 15 year old that is easily distracted with shiney objects.
The goal for you is to be a happy healthy person and if you can do that with him, great, but if not, well your life will be great too. I suggest you work on becoming more independent, find some hobbys, keep yourself busy and make him win you back. That is right, win you back. You have no guarantees he won't have yet another change of heart in a week and you will be back here, distraught. In order to protect yourself from being a victim of his indecision, you must work on learning to focus on yourself and making yourself happy.
I highly recommend reading "Why Men Love Bitches" it really explains the purpose of GAL. I know you can do it.
Quote: I highly recommend reading "Why Men Love Bitches"
Ah, the highly regarded companion book to "Why women love total a$$holes." lol.
BTW, I have been living with someone exhibiting those qualities for quite some time now and I assure you, if she rid herself of bitchiness, I would lose no sleep.
Callista I understand just what you are saying about him having to prove certain things.
That said . . . .
This is where I am confused. Do I proceed cautiously back into the R or do I tell him NO. He would like to "try again" . . so do I say OK . . . prove it. Keep my mindset to where he'll more than likely "run out" again . . .but try anyway . . . and see if he proves himself. Or do I shut it all down now . . and I tell I want nothing to do with sitch.
That's where I am confused. I understand that chances are he'll backslide. . . and he's proven thus far that he can't make up his mind. I am sooo unsure of how to proceed. With the R or without it.
I didn't catch it if you tried to tell me Callista . . SORRY! If you've been following my sitch then you'll know that I'm hard of hearing . . or listening . . and just plain hard headed!
I mean there are things I would definately need from him . .
I.E. Proof that he is not on drugs (which I confronted him about lastnight) I think maybe we should do individual or joint counciling (hard with his work schedule. . . but something is better than nothing)
Any other good ones you all can think of?
Any and all advice is as always appreciated. Don't worry I haven't jumped the fence yet . . .I'm waiting to see what kind of responses I get.
GH . . not sure if you were telling me to be loving and try it or if you simply had to make the joke
I would LOVE to know why women love complete a$$holes . . . seems to fit my sitch to a T!
We cannot tell you what to do. You have received excellent advice from many, many people here. Listen to your heart; learn from your mistakes; be a friend to your H; and really, really listen to him.
You know what you need to do, so go out and do it for all our sake.
I am not as seasoned as many of the people here but here are my thoughts.
What do *you* want? Do you just want him back or do you want to be a happy, fulfilled person, with or without him?
If you just want him back, then go ahead and jump back on the Kevin Merry-go-round.
Otherwise, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and set boundaries, decide what *you* want in a man and make sure he lives up to that. Tell him that you are focused on taking care of your children and yourself right now and if he wants to be part of your life he'll have to man-up, like providing financial support for his little girls, helping you with Doctors appointments and demonstrating that he is a stable source of emotional support for you, rather than a the trainwreck he has been.
I'd have friendly civil conversations with him on the phone, let him see his kids, let him participate in activities with the kids and let him show you (over time) that he can be a husband and a father rather than a impulsive little brat.
Most importantly, you need to get to a place where you won't be left destitude and empty if he pulls this crap again.
Do you even want him back? You asked what to do but you haven't even said if you want him back.
Grasshopper, I don't know if you have read Why Men Love Bitches, it isn't about being a bitch literally but rather about how women need to not depend on men for everything in their lives. The better developed one is as a woman the more one has to offer a man in the way of companionship.
Quote: What do *you* want? Do you just want him back or do you want to be a happy, fulfilled person, with or without him?
I want both! I just want him back . . . I want him to help me get through this mess with Kiya . . and I want to be a better person . . . but I'd like to just do it. I don't want my D to be the start of my new life. It was a HUGE wake up . . . and Thank God . . . it brought me to you all! But I'd like to keep my marriage . . and grow as a person . . and hopefully watch my H grow into a wonderful man.
I really do have faith . . somewhere under all this mess there's a wonder man hiding. I just know it. He's been a REAL a$$hole . . . and I hate all the things he has done . . but I do believe he could change. MAYBE . . BUT only if HE REALLY wants to.
I don't want to run right back into the same sitch . . but I want to be as supportive of him as I possibly can. If he wants the chance to prove it can be different (he asked for it lastnight) . . I'd like to give it to him. Along with a good swift kick in the crotch mind you. But I'll get over that. I have to be forgiving. I feel I have to try.
I'm going to try to avoid the Kevin Merry-Go-Round . . and just wait patiently while he builds his new job . . gets rid of OW . . . and gets his head straight. Does that sound about right?
Quote: I'm going to try to avoid the Kevin Merry-Go-Round . . and just wait patiently while he builds his new job . . gets rid of OW . . . and gets his head straight.
You must let him work this out. You have to work on you. You can both care for Kiya together - you can both pray together for her - you can both take care of your children together.
But IMHO - you are not ready for him to pop back into your life yet AND he is not even close. Wasn't he engaged to OW just a few days ago? All this proves is that he has some serious issues and what you don't need in your life is this "anchor" right now. I am not saying you cannot save your M - but he needs to fix himself while you fix you!
Otherwise, not only will Kevin be on the Kevin-Go-Round - but you will be on it too. I don't know how many times you can take getting thrown off of it. It is time to stop the merry-go-round and solve some problems. Only then can you get back to an R or M. JMHO.
(((((((((Emily)))))))))))
More prayers for Kiya are in order and Emily - don't let him tear you down ever again - be Emily, be strong, stand up for yourself, listen to him but don't be a doormat to him ever again.
