Wow, you are sounding GREAT, baby!!! Remind me never to get on your bad side.
I'm sorry about Kiya's hearing problem, but being deaf in one ear is not that big a deal, really. I do hope that it's not part of a whole syndrome. But even if it is, you're getting help early on and that's important. I actually have a weird hearing problem that I didn't even know I had till I was in my 20's! I have trouble hearing mid-tones, which tends to be female speaking voices. Strangely, I'm actually a good singer and I can sing by ear (usually--sometimes I have trouble when it's not clear). Anyway, point being, my life has been fine anyway. I guess the only issue for Kiya would be speech development, but you'll just have to make sure she gets lots of input into the good ear.
Quote: My doctor didn't think I need anti-depressants. So I guess that could be bad news. She said if I get to the point where I like cry myself to sleep everynight or anything I should call her back. But with everything going on she thinks what I am feeling is normal. Should I call my primary doctor (not my OB) and get her opinion?
Is this what you wanted me to look at? Gosh, I don't know what to say b/c I'm not a doctor and I don't actually know you. Then again, it's not like your OB spends a ton of time with you either. I think it would be ideal if you could see a psychiatrist. Maybe your doc could refer you to one. The other thing you could ask about is tranquilizers. I started on Rivotril when H dropped the bomb. I went to the ER a total MESS! I was hysterical. The psych there prescribed it. I took 0.5mg (one pill) 2-3 times a day and at night. It doesn't last long, but it's enough to get you through panicky times. I'm still taking 1/2 a pill at night only b/c I've always had trouble sleeping. However, it's supposed to be addictive, so docs are cautious about prescribing it.
Do you still think you need something, or do you feel like you're doing okay? I agree with your doc that what you're feeling is normal, but that doesn't mean it's livable! The psychiatrist I saw in the hospital also told me it's normal, but he gave me something anyway!!!
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
It's actually pretty hard to get on my badside Nic. . . don't worry!
Yup you address the correct questions. Well I feel like I finally got my head somewhat above water again. It's definately livable . . . if I notice too many bad days and those sorts of things. I'll call my normal doctor. I really don't feel bad.
I think my parents are worried that something is really wrong because I don't want to go do things with them. But that's because I honestly don't enjoy their company. They just seem "stuffy" to me . . . and when we go out to like Wal-Mart I wind up walking around by myself . . feeling lower than dirt. I'd prefer to go with one of my friends who actually walks and talks with me.
I've actually had a REALLY good day today. I didn't really do anything though. Oh and no mail for me today I was disappointed. I had really hoped to get something. Although on the bright side I didn't get any divorce papers just yet either! I almost feel them coming . . . or maybe that's my imagination. Oh well if they do come . . . he can't force me to sign them right away! HA! Take that punk! I'll show him yet! I'll show him that he can't hold me down. I'll show him that I'm finally done waiting on him . . . He thinks he can walk in and out and come back in 5 years and I'll still be sitting here waiting on him. WRONG!
I really have nothing left for that man right now. He's done EVERYTHING wrong . . . he's hurt me VERY badly . . . and now I feel like he is giving up his daughters for Cassie. I feel that that is SOOOO wrong. Between ANY man and my children there would NEVER be a choice. But he is choosing her over his babies. . . . I HATE him for that. I know here comes RB with the forgiveness and blame stick. Let me have it pal . . I deserve it.
I just got on my xBIL's myspace . . . and there are a WHOLE crapload of new pictures . . all taken with MY old camera judging by the quality (it wasn't the best)
UGH . . . one is of him and my xH flipping off the camera . . it's posted right up front. NICE!
What a great guy!
I am soooo angry! I am literally shaking I'm so mad! I just wish I could have 5 minutes in a fight with him. Hell I'll even let him hit me . . . been there done that . . LOL! But he knows I can hit hard too . . . With all the rage I have built up towards him . . . OH MY! I am just soooooooo angry! What can I do?
Maybe don't go to his MySpace page ... Seriously, Emily, what did you expect to find there? A picture of your H, with the caption, "Here's Kevin crying his eyes out because of how much he misses Emily"?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks RB! I know you're right . . . I was going to check out my xBIL's page . . . where I expected nothing about my H to be honestly! He had just called me last week to chat and was quite friendly. So I hadden't been to check out the latest in his life lately (he has a girlfriend living up where I am living). . and BAM to my shock . . like a kick in the teeth!
I certainly won't go there anymore. I never expected all of that.
That kinda knocked my PMA down a few pegs. I'm still alright . . only I just have started to think about H again.
UGH . . . this whole divorce process of grief really is a pain in the A!!!
I'll be around! Hope you all are having a GREAT night!!
I am not going to be your friend when I finish here but I need to get this off my chest. I have been in my situation for 1 1/2 years now and I have finally accepted the fact that my H is not with me right now. It doesn't mean he won't ever be with me again, just not right now.
I am not going to sit around and make myself angry at him. All you are doing by going to his myspace or any of his relatives myspace is getting yourself in an uproar. The best way to get on with your life is to let go of anything that has to do with him. Don't snoop, don't call him, don't act at all interested in anything he is doing. The more you show him that you are angry, the more he will play the game. If he knows you still want him then he will continue doing as he wants. He knows he can "have fun" and you will be waiting at home for him when he gets tired of the OW.
You are sending negative vibes to your daughters. You may think you are keeping them inside but kids are smart and they can sense things.
Until you can accept that your H is not home right now then you can't do for Emily. You need to let go for yourself. You need to do this for your sanity. Once you start feeling good about yourself again, then you can start living your life again.
You mentioned if you go somewhere with your parents you are bored and end up walking by yourself. Maybe it is you that is the problem. Your attitude on here is so angry and violent. I know you are not really that type of person. Pain and hurt can cause the worst to come out in anyone. In the beginning I hated being around anyone because I knew they all thought I was crazy for not giving up. They still make me feel that way at times. I don't let them get to me though. I finally told my mom after the last time she said I should file myself to just mind her own business. I told her if I wanted to live in limbo for the next 10 years, it was my life. She understands now.
I know my situation is different because there is no OW involved and my H talks to me. (Then again, we have been apart longer) We have had time to adjust to everything. He has never taken things from the house either.
I hope you don't take what I say the wrong way, I just want you to be able to let go of some of your anger. I think it will help you heal faster.
No t2sp . . nothing you said was taken in the wrong way.
I understand what you are saying. I feel that if I don't get riled up at him I will just continue to follow him like a puppy. I really did LOVE my H . . to a fault. I was almost willing to let him be with the OW . . if he just wouldn't toss me aside. CRAZY HUH? It hurts when I'm not angry . . because then I just think about how unfair it is that he is happy with her . . . and how unfair it is that I am so in love and that it has to hurt so much. See like right now . . just typing that got me all crying. I just don't want to cry anymore. With all the crap he's done I am VERY angry at him VERY VERY angry. Made enough to knock the snot outta him . . and say I hate him. Deep down though it's like slash at an opened wound . . that he did come in a "steal" the stuff that he knows I can't replace.
I found out my mother is mad at me because I talked to him about Kiya. She wants me to drop all the support crap and just cut him out of EVERYONE's life TOTALLY. She wants to never allow him to see the girls again . . . try to get full custody and terminate his parental rights . . all of that. She got REALLY mad that I had talked to him about the baby. So that's what crawled up her butt.
I'm just trying to take the high road you guys talk about . . . and my family is going to punish me for it. GREAT! What to do! It's not like I'm being all friendly with my H even . . it's not like the thought of reconciling is even in my mind right now. IT WAS ABOUT KIYA! and she's STILL mad.
They all want me to be angry at him. Honestly at least the angry stage doesn't hurt . . . EVERYTHING else feels wrong and it hurts .. . hurts like hell . . but when I'm angry it doesn't have to hurt because I want him out of my life.
Jeesh . . I understand. . . but he's leaving me to get remarried . . have a new different family. There isn't a snowballs chance in hell he and I will ever end up together. . . I'm still here FOR me. So that I can talk about the things I'm going through . . and have someone listen.
The marriage is over . . and I do except that. I don't ever expect to have that person in my life again. I don't call him . . . I did because he didn't know about the appointment for Kiya (heck I didn't know until I was there) and I wanted him to know. If that's wrong I won't do it. Sorry
Well I had an alright day . . but it's 8 and my PMA hit the floor. . . What a week!
. . . I thought I was doing a good a thing . . At least today I felt alright. I was up moving and dancing around with my daughter. Instead of sitting around crying and being depressed because he's so happy with her . . and life keeps throwing crappy cards at me. Like this whole sitch with Kiya. Which has me pretty stressed. I never thought about throwing bad vibes . . I thought about Felina not seeing me sitting around in front of here or the TV crying my eyes out because I don't even want to go outside.
I know it sounds stupid. I thought I was taking the right steps Get ANGRY . . . then let it cool off. . . . so that it didn't hurt and I stayed stuck in the pity rut . . crying and being depressed. I mean I can be angry and in a month or two it'll cool off and I'll be neutral to the sitch . . . that's what I was going for. I just needed some time . . to let it play through.
To convince myself I don't need him. Even though I missed him like hell sitting in that room with that doctor . . as she was telling me about the tests they are going to run on my baby. I wanted his shoulder there to lean on . . I want his hand in mine. Imagine how I feel that I can't even talk to him about our baby. I can't tell him how worried I am . . I don't have him to reassure me. He doesn't even care . . . alls he cares about now is starting his new family with Cassie. Emily Felina and Kiya are old news to him. Tossed in the can like last weeks paper.
Oh I get it . . . . that's why I don't want to have to feel this constriction in my chest . . . like my heart is being literally ripped out . . because I miss him . . . and in a situation like this in a family (with the baby) I miss him a thousand times more.
I haven't posted to you before because so many people here are taking good care of you.
But, right now, I have to call you out. Stop the pity party. I know sometimes we do need to give ourselves time to cry. That time is over.
It is time to pick yourself up and look at all the things you have going for yourself. You're an incredibly strong woman. I don't think you've given yourself enough credit for taking care of two babies at such a young age let alone one that is sick. That takes a great deal of strength. And, you're doing it alone at an age when most of us are lucky if we can figure out what to wear in the morning.
You are also young enough to do whatever you want with your life. So take some time and figure yourself out. Find something that interests you and go with it. It's amazing how hard work can take your mind off the worst problems. (Stop spending all your time online and get out and start living life.)
At the moment, why would your H want to come back to you? You're a mess and you are doing your children no good. (I say this with love because I was a mess myself at one point.) Take care of yourself first. Once you do that you will be better able to take care of them.
It is OK to be angry. My H had two As so you better believe I was hurt and angry. But eventually you have to pull yourself up above everything and move on with your life. And you have to learn to forgive. People aren't perfect and while they do things that hurt us they usually do still love us whether they want to admit it or not.
Your H may not be with you but don't think he is having a wonderful time without you. While my H was gone he wanted me to believe the ow made him happy and I was a horrible person. In truth he was very confused and torn up about the prospect of getting a D.
So please, draw from the strength I know is in you and get on with your life. I don't know if the hurt ever goes away but in time it will hurt less and less.
Listen to superstressed, she has given some good advice. Each and every one of us goes through the times where we hate our spouses.
The pity train will finally stop and let you off. It takes time. The amount of time it takes is your decision. You can get off anytime you want. There will be times after you get off that you take a short trip on it again. Your life is changing and it is going to get away from you. You need to catch it and enjoy it.
When my H first left I was a total wreck also. There was no OW but I thought there was. I even told him if he thought that is what he wanted to go for it. I gave him permission to cheat. I just wanted him to do whatever it took to want to come home. I got so sick I stayed in bed for one whole week. Only time I got out was to use the bathroom, brush my teeth and shower. I didn't even get up to eat. I didn't eat anything. If I did, I got sick. My kids had to do everything for me. I had to have my parents take them to school and pick them up because I couldn't face the world. You feel like everyone is against you. I ended up getting so sick that I had to go to the doctor and they put me on medicine to help me eat again.
Once I started getting up and going out again, I had such a hard time getting over the crying that I had to start carrying bags in the car with me. I never knew when I would get upset and everytime I did, I threw up. I got to the point when I wouldn't eat because I was afraid of getting sick.
Each of us has ways of dealing with things and you getting angry is your way. You need ot learn to deal with the anger. I see a very smart, strong woman in you and you can do anything you set your mind to.
Every post on here from you usually mentions your H and OW. Try to post positive things on here and you will be surprised at how often you talk about other things than your H. Look at Amy's thread. Half the time we are playing trivia quizzes instead of talking of our problems. It really helps.
As for you calling your H and telling him about your daughter. I don't see anything wrong with that. I would have done the same thing. You H hasn't called and he is being selfish. You can't do anything about that. Let him miss out on his kids. As your girls grow up they will remember you were the one who took care of them and not him.
Your mother is being selfish too. I know she thinks she knows whats best for you but she doesn't. It is the anger in her coming out. She is angry your H is putting you through this and her way of getting back at him is for you to not talk to him and to take the kids away from him.
You do what is right for you and the kids. Try to go a day without thinking about anyone but you and the girls. Try to post some good things on your thread. Write about some fun things you do with your girls. Reading about you dancing around with them is wonderful.
It is time for Emily to live life again. So, lets everyone give 3 cheers to Emily!!!
You can do this. If not, I am sending Amy after you.
Seriously, Emily, what did you expect to find there? A picture of your H, with the caption, "Here's Kevin crying his eyes out because of how much he misses Emily"? 
