I haven't posted to you before because so many people here are taking good care of you.
But, right now, I have to call you out. Stop the pity party. I know sometimes we do need to give ourselves time to cry. That time is over.
It is time to pick yourself up and look at all the things you have going for yourself. You're an incredibly strong woman. I don't think you've given yourself enough credit for taking care of two babies at such a young age let alone one that is sick. That takes a great deal of strength. And, you're doing it alone at an age when most of us are lucky if we can figure out what to wear in the morning.
You are also young enough to do whatever you want with your life. So take some time and figure yourself out. Find something that interests you and go with it. It's amazing how hard work can take your mind off the worst problems. (Stop spending all your time online and get out and start living life.)
At the moment, why would your H want to come back to you? You're a mess and you are doing your children no good. (I say this with love because I was a mess myself at one point.) Take care of yourself first. Once you do that you will be better able to take care of them.
It is OK to be angry. My H had two As so you better believe I was hurt and angry. But eventually you have to pull yourself up above everything and move on with your life. And you have to learn to forgive. People aren't perfect and while they do things that hurt us they usually do still love us whether they want to admit it or not.
Your H may not be with you but don't think he is having a wonderful time without you. While my H was gone he wanted me to believe the ow made him happy and I was a horrible person. In truth he was very confused and torn up about the prospect of getting a D.
So please, draw from the strength I know is in you and get on with your life. I don't know if the hurt ever goes away but in time it will hurt less and less.
