. . . I thought I was doing a good a thing . . At least today I felt alright. I was up moving and dancing around with my daughter. Instead of sitting around crying and being depressed because he's so happy with her . . and life keeps throwing crappy cards at me. Like this whole sitch with Kiya. Which has me pretty stressed. I never thought about throwing bad vibes . . I thought about Felina not seeing me sitting around in front of here or the TV crying my eyes out because I don't even want to go outside.
I know it sounds stupid. I thought I was taking the right steps Get ANGRY . . . then let it cool off. . . . so that it didn't hurt and I stayed stuck in the pity rut . . crying and being depressed. I mean I can be angry and in a month or two it'll cool off and I'll be neutral to the sitch . . . that's what I was going for. I just needed some time . . to let it play through.
To convince myself I don't need him. Even though I missed him like hell sitting in that room with that doctor . . as she was telling me about the tests they are going to run on my baby. I wanted his shoulder there to lean on . . I want his hand in mine. Imagine how I feel that I can't even talk to him about our baby. I can't tell him how worried I am . . I don't have him to reassure me. He doesn't even care . . . alls he cares about now is starting his new family with Cassie. Emily Felina and Kiya are old news to him. Tossed in the can like last weeks paper.
Oh I get it . . . . that's why I don't want to have to feel this constriction in my chest . . . like my heart is being literally ripped out . . because I miss him . . . and in a situation like this in a family (with the baby) I miss him a thousand times more.
