Welp, stuck at work on a Sunday night and I have some pretty bigish news so I decided what better way to pass the time than with you all.
Last night my W was feeling pretty good I guess. We'd had a good weekend to that point but as usual...er...oops...backup...
I was in a "mood" for most of the day. I knew it, I hoped she didn't know it but I suspected she did. I was quiet and I managed to clean the whole house in the afternoon (rare as hell for me). She half-heatedly asked me if there was something wrong and just her asking me made me kinda snap out of it.
Then later in the night, after the kids went to bed she asked me if she had done something wrong or if I was mad at her for some reason. I said (in a moment of startling directness) "Not really, I'm just extremely sexually frustrated and it's getting to me today." She didn't really say anything, and quite unlike me, neither did I. We just resumed our conversation we were having and proceeded to have a pretty good night.
SO, back to the story...Like most Saturday nights (she's done really well at keeping the drinking to the weekends for the most part) she had a few drinks and near the end of the said (gee, where have I heard this before...) "I'm not feeling well tonight." Really, it's SO freaking obvious that she only feels poorly when she's had 1 too many, but who am I to say...er, well, I did say, but who's counting...
M: Don't you realize that it has something to do with that (pointing to the wine). You have been feeling good all day. There has been no depression, etc, and now you are depressed. W: No, not really tonight. Actually I am ok, I am just tired. It's NOT about you or us. I will get it together and be "perfect" tomorrow. M: I hate when you say things like that. It pisses me off. I am not angry at you for being upset. If anything, I am not happy that you clam up. Just talk, I'll listen. I know I USED to get pissed when you were upset and that was WRONG. I am not that guy anymore. W: Well, you used to be...(here is the out of the blue part...hold on) Oh, and about what you said earlier, about being frustrated. I am too. (she moved closer and held me) I want to be with you too. I love you (first one in, well, almost forever), I miss you. I want to be with you but, well, I don't know... M: But what? W: (crying a little) I don't know, I guess it's just getting to the point to just do it I guess.
I held her at this point and told her I loved her too. I lifted her chin up and kissed her softly (damn, I sound like some kind of cheesy romance novel). She kissed me back. When she pulled away, she looked at me and said...
W: And I will work on making THAT better too. (obviously referring to kissing, etc, ) I just want you to know I love you and I am not going anywhere for anyone. I know you worry about that. M: Yea, with good reason. W: I know, but I have a keeper in you. You are the one I can count on in my life. You're the one who was there for me when I spent the night in jail. You have stuck with me through all this and there is nobody I trust more than you. I know you will be there for me no matter what and I wish I could have been for you. M: I know you do. I know the person you are, and that was no really you. I just want to say something I said before but that may have gotten lost in a bigger convo; I would not take the last year back even if I could. I have grown so much and I feel like we will be much better off if we get past all this. I want you to know that I KNOW things were bad and needed to change. We both may have lasted through this because of the kids (something we discussed earlier) but we need to STAY together for good because of each other. W: (exuberantly) YES, we do, and we need to work on that. M: I know, and that's why I have made sure I take a hard look at myself and try to just be better. I needed to be better before I could get back looking at us. W: Well, there were two or three times I almost packed up and moved down to my parents but I didn't because of the kids. M: I'm glad you didn't. W: So as far as "that" goes (sex), it WILL be better (um, well, anything is better than nothing) soon, I promise.
As usual, that is the cliff's notes version of the convo but the gist was "I love you, I want you too but I am still feeling guilty about what happened to take the plunge."
There was actually a lot of playful banter as well, including her smiling BIG when she told me that she had a dream (one of THOSE dreams) about me the other night and really liked it.
Since that time, we have been cuddling a lot more, even kissing a little (just pecks on the lips but it's progress).
The only other thing was that we went to a spa today and finally my W got her massage I have wanted to get her for so long...and so did I! She said I should book one for me after hers and she'd watch the kids so I did. It was great.
So, things are looking up. I don't know for how long since these things build a hefty bit of pessimism into a guy, but from where I sit, it's pretty good.
) I just want you to know I love you and I am not going anywhere for anyone. I know you worry about that.
