Frank, actually I think of you when I think about my W's approach to all this. She HATES the idea of having to surrender control over her life (sorry to some of you who embrace that idea, I am not trying to judge) in order to feel like she can be sober or whatever. It's a fine line because I know addicts all over the world (and I am not sure she is one at this point) say the same thing; I can stop anytime I want, etc. My W is just a person who believes very much in personal control and while she isn't by any stretch doing much of that now, she seems to think she can will herself out of this. Maybe she can.
As for AA, she will NEVER do that. I can't really stress how much she hates the idea of sitting with a bunch of people talking about her problems. I think she'd sooner pull her finger nails out one by one than do that. Same for therapy.
As for seeing a doctor, almost the same thing.
One thing that is important to realize here is that because my W's family, her WHOLE family doesn't drink for religious reasons, she COMPLETELY denies her drinking to the entire world other than me and a couple friends. When she fills out those forms at the doctors office she lies when it comes to "do you drink alcohol?" Or "Do you smoke". She does both but is DEATHLY afraid of her family finding out. Yes, she's a very grown woman but her family is at the same time both a VERY strong positive and negative force in her/our lives. Some of her biggest issues stem back to them but she still lives her life largely by their standards and it makes her miserable because she always thinks she fails to live up.
So, that all complicates GREATLY this issue of getting help for her drinking even if she truly wanted to. I don't think she would ever seriously consider doing that except at 1:00am when she's feeling particularly sick. At 1:00pm, when things are fine, she's back to being "in control" and would never...
Frank, I think you are correct about her just needing to get her life back. That's why it's such a HUGE deal to me to get her to trust that I will not be "that guy" anymore that I have been for basically our entire marriage. The guy that SAYS "Go, have fun." then acts like a TOTAL a$$hole when she gets home because at the end of the night, he's not comfortable AT ALL with his wife going out without him due to DEEP self-esteem issues/jealousy.
I need her to understand that I "get that" now and I can change my behavior...I HAVE changed my behavior. Her starting to go out with friends again and me being "normal" about it is how that happens, so yes Frank, I too think her other issues would calm down a LOT of she got back to her life. BTW, she NEVER used to drink like she does now when she had her friends around more, went out, etc, so if history is an indication, I think this is key.
Lastly, I do think she wants to work, but since she never has, she is having trouble getting over that hump of actually deciding that today, right now, is the time and just go out and get a job. Part of the problem is that she has it in her head because of her number of degrees and amount of education, that getting a part time job somewhere is "below her" and would only add to her feeling of failure. She's not really that much of a snob but it all goes in line with the whole lot of expectations heaped on her by her parents and family. Getting a job at Target would only add fuel to that fire. The alternative, getting something in her field seems to be something she doesn't want to do for some reason. Maybe because it would require real commitment, something she is short on these days, I don't know.
I do think she will find something soon because as much as we all can see that she may need that, she sees it too so that's a good thing.
