I was playing nurse to S3 & W yesterday and didn't manage to get online.
Sunday night found us in another R talk. W actually asked me how I would feel if she got some plastic surgery (boobs most likely). It's not a new subject but it's really the first time in a long time that she just asked me what I thought. I hesitated, but finally said...
(BTW, this entire convo was pretty much had with smiles on both our faces. Not too intense)
M: I want you to be happy. If that makes you happy, then go for it. W: It's just for me. It's not for anyone else. M: Ok, but you have to understand, it's an awkward thing for me to be talking about. (not proud of this part) If you are looking for a "good buddy, roommate opinion" then I think it would be great as long as it makes you happy. I understand how you have felt after the kids and all. The problem is that I want to be more than a roommate and we are talking about something, as a husband and lover, I would have an interest in. I don't know how I feel about that. I can't really explain the emotion I have. I guess, like I said, I want you to be happy, and in turn I want US to be happy. W: I am not looking to become Pamela Anderson or anything, just correct what's gone wrong since my pregnancies. I don't think you understand how my body makes me feel. M: I do. I know why you want it done, and I generally support it but part of me, well, I don't know what. W: I just want to feel better about myself and the way that particular part of my body looks, there is no amount of exercise or diet that will help. Like I said, it's for me, not really for anyone else. M: Ok, but as your husband, I think most people would think that it would have SOMETHING to do with me since I am the one most likely to have access to them, right? W: (she laughed) M: I guess my problem is that this is yet another thing that you bring up, like the ring before it, that has some implications for the future but yet you still won't address what that future may be in your mind. W: I don't really want to get into that talk right now. M: Ok, I agree. It's late.
...and then we re-hashed the convo from the other night where she talked a lot about wanting to see friends, etc. She said she still felt trapped, etc. Then we got to some new ground when we finally went to bed.
W: I hate feeling like this. M: Like what? W: Tired, sick, depressed, drinking too much. I need help. M: Ok, what can I do? What kind of help do you need? W: Maybe rehab? I don't know (crying). I feel like I just want to run away sometimes, from everything and everyone. M: I understand. I really do. I want to help you if I can. (I reached over to hold her). W: (more crying) I don't know how I ended up this way. I used to be fun, used to travel all the time, really enjoy life. Now I am a stay at home soccer mom who drinks too much and is depressed all the time. How did that happen? I don't want that anymore. M: Ok, well, do you ever think about whether your drinking is a result of the depression/sleep problems as you say, or if it may be a cause? Isn't it a possibility? It's clear that I hear the most about how horrible life/we are when you have had a few drinks and it's late. W: I know. I know what I need to do. M: What? W: I need to stop drinking late at night. I need to find some other way to sleep at night. I can't keep doing this.
I didn't really respond. I just held her. If she is going to make these changes, I really feel like she needs my support but NOT to feel like I am "making" her do something. I don't know if she has a drinking problem that she needs help for, of if she can just stop. I suspect it may be the former but I can't be sure.
For the first time in a few weeks, she didn't have anything to drink last night and when I asked her about getting help, like she suggested she needed to do, she said "I have the necessary will power to do what I need to do."
Ok, maybe so, maybe not, but one of the themes of the last couple convos is how she buries things until she breaks from the weight of them. I asked her not to do that with these issues (her sleep problems, depression, drinking, etc) and to keep being open about them. I told her I was here for her in any way she needs me and while I was concerned, I was not going to keep bugging her about things. That was a MAJOR shift on my part because in the past, due to my "mr. fix-it" nature, I would hound her incessantly when I thought there was something she needed to do... or not do. I think that's why she shut me out. Now that she's opening up a bit, I want to encourage more of that so I think it's important for me to not come off as judgmental at all.
One interesting thing also came out of that convo. She called me out for sitting on the kitchen counter when we have a lot of our talks. She said I seem to be talking down to her and trying to seem "big". She said it really bothered her. I had no conscious clue I was doing that. I was shocked to realize it was true. I jumped down immediately and continued the conversation as at least physical equals. I just hope my mental approach is not as concerned with being superior as my physical approach was. Damn.
