Last night, after a couple glasses of wine (as is usually the case) W looked upset. I asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't want to talk about it. I said "ok" but said I was still concerned. She was crying. She said again that she didn't want to talk about it (I didn't ask again). There was a pause and then I said...
M: About what? The same thing we always don't talk about? W: No, it's not that. I'm just depressed. M: Ok, is there anything I can do? W: No. I just need to get over it. M: Maybe, but if talking would help, I am here.
...drum roll...she talks...(btw, this is paraphrased. I am condensing some of this for brevity's sake)
W: I feel trapped. I feel like a caged animal. I wake up in the morning feeling sick. I feel like I can't leave the house. I am not allowed to. Everything I do makes you think I am cheating on you. I deserve it I know, but now I feel like I can't do anything. I'm not allowed. I ruined it for myself because of what I did. Now you will never trust me again and I did that to myself. M: Never is a long time. I am starting to trust you but I can't tell you I don't have feelings when certain things come up. W: I know. I feel like crap so much of the time. When I forget my phone, or somehow miss a call from you, I get cold sweats because I know when I talk to you next you will assume I was doing something I was not (true btw, most of the time...$hit). I feel like I can do nothing right. You make me feel that way. M: That's not true. I have changed in that respect. I don't try to control you anymore. W: BS. You still do what you have always done. The looks, the moods, the things you say. I don't think you mean to do it, but you do and it makes me feel like garbage. I hate what I did but you play it up so much I can't ever forget it. I can't for even one minute. M: That sucks that you feel that way. I try so hard NOT to act that way but I can see why you see it that way. W: I just want to go out with a girlfriend (she mentions a old friend of ours, someone she knows I trust) and just have fun every once in awhile but I can't because every time I leave the house you think it's to see him. M: Well, there are two reasons why I still think that sometimes. First, because you don't try at all to reassure me that it's NOT the case and the time I thought it was NOT happening, you came out and said it was again so...The second thing is the state of "us". I am a LOT more secure in myself than I used to be but the bottom line is that I truly feel that you are incapable of seeing two people at once. I fully realize that once you started seeing him, things stopped between us and have never started again. That makes me think there is still possibly a REASON beyond our issues that makes you not willing/able to be intimate with me. W: I thought I made it clear about all that weeks ago. M: No, but you can right now. Are things 100% over between you and him, no calls, no contact, nothing. No chance of going back, no "I think I still love him and may leave you"? W: No, there is nothing going on. There hasn't been for a long time now. When I said those things about still being confused, that was all me. That was NOT because I was still seeing him. M: Ok, then what's the problem. It's over. There is nothing for me to worry about. If you want to go out with GF, then do it. If I have feelings about it, I will have to deal with that, but ultimatly, YOU have to be happy if WE are ever going to be happy together and feeling like a caged animal is NOT the way to feel happy. I WANT you to have fun and see your friends. W: No, when I leave to go to the store you give me looks. I can't imagine what would happen if I went out at night. (at this point, the guilt I have really not seen much of is really surfacing) M: No, that's not true, and if it is, I am sorry. I don't mean to act that way. The only thing I can't really deal with is you going out with "friends" that I don't know, frinds of his that you don't feel comfortable introducing me to. That's crap. W: I don't want to go out with anyone in particular, just ANYONE. I just need adult company outside this family. I need to have fun. Everyone else I know, married and single, has that but I am a shut in. I hate it. It's driving me crazy. M: Well, like I said, I want you to have fun and go out. I just wish you would understand that I am not your father but I DO want to be reassured from time to time that things are not as they may seem. Until tonight, two things I had not heard you say was that it was 100% over and that you knew I felt funny when you didn't answer your phone, etc. Why didn't you just say those things before? That's what I mean by me wanting you to want me to trust you. W: I have said those things before. M: No, you have dodged the question before. Now you aren't. I appreciate that.
We went around in circles, me saying I wanted her to feel like she could go out and her saying it was impossible because of what she'd done. I told her to forgive herself, as I had forgiven her. She cried a lot and in the end, I held her while she fell asleep.
It was 50/50 good/bad. It was good that we expressed feelings, but bad in terms of her saying at one point that I had not changed at all.
I did finally tell her that I wanted us to be back "normal" and that would go a long way to showing me she was serious but that I knew it would take time. I told her I would do my best to not be so suspicious but didn't understand why she just didn't come out and explain herself when she KNEW things looked bad. Why the pride? Why not do what it takes to win my trust? She didn't have an answer.
I don't really know what it all meant but overall, I think it needed to happen. I needed to know what she was feeling, and she needed to know what I was feeling.
I gotta run so that's it for now. I'm sure I will post more.
