The weekend was ok. Yesterday found me in a REALLY bad mood over the lack of progress in our sitch and the accompanying bad thoughts I have about why that may be. I took it out on W and she noticed big time. She got pissed. Finally I realized that I was acting like a P/A a$$hole and pulled her aside and apologized. She 1/2 accepted it but said she was still pissed. I just went into "happy mode" (didn't really have to try since we were going to a party for S6/our basketball team that I was looking forward to). In a short time W pulled out of her mood and we both enjoyed the rest of the day/night. I even got my first back rub in like 6 years.

What has been happening with me the last week is that I have been building up to a massive R talk. I had myself convinced that I wanted to talk to her. I put it off but when she was distant and cold on Friday night, I figured that was the time. Then I was acting strange on Saturday, probably in anticipation of the "talk". I decided that I would give it the ole' 24 hour rule because I thought I was getting more emotional than I wanted to be. If I had just done it on Friday night, it would have been great because I was in a really good mood and W would have probably talked a lot more freely than she would have Saturday night when I had been pissy for much of the day.

Really, there was not THAT much thought that went into it, more gut feeling. In the end, all that waiting was stressful but I discovered that the desire for R talk is a lot like hunger. If you manage to get past that strong wave, you are usually ok until the next wave comes along.

I also figured out that really for the first time, I resisted that STRONG urge to talk and once that urge subsided yesterday, I realized that I never really gave peace a chance. Every time things were "good" for awhile, I managed to start a R talk and I think for my W especially, that starts the process all over again.

I decided to just suck it up and see what happens. Well, for some reason, W started to be "warm" again, even giving me my backrub After she was done she leaned over me (she was standing behind the couch) and hugged me, then a little peck kiss. It was nice.

I can't say that I was 100% right not to R talk, but if I really look at the cycle we are stuck in, one of the major components seems to be my constant need to know what's up at all times. I really think if I can learn to deal with the unknown with more openness and curiosity rather than fear and trepidation, I can allow this process to move forward.

I know I am not to blame for the limbo, or at least not ALL to blame, but I am constantly trying to figure out what I can do so when the day comes, good or bad, I can say I did all I could do to save my marriage. I know I don't hold nearly all the cards, but the ones I do hold, I want to play right... or at least learn to bluff a WHOLE lot better, lol.

GH

P.S. Whatis, right now, it's really hard to talk to W about things relating to sex. Maybe soon, but not right now. We have never been that open about these things and it's something I want to work on in our "new" marriage.

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