I will have to keep this short (work issues and all) but I just wanted to update my sitch. Really, not much is happening. I am nervous now that school has started again and W has a LOT more free time, i.e. AFFAIR time, on her hands. This has coincided with her seeming to pull back again. For awhile there she was initiating hugs and generally being "close" with me. Now, it's back to where if I don't initiate, we don't touch. I don't know if it's just "that time of month" (it IS, but don't know if her mood/my feelings are because of that) or something else. I am back to suspecting everything simply due to a lack of anything substantial happening on "our" front. I know this is wrong, but when it so conveniently coincides with her having opportunity to see him again, I have to wonder.
I wanted to R talk last week but stifled it. That was really the first time I have done that in a long time. I figured that since my previous R talks really didn't help (as far as I could see) I would just go back to what I was doing in the midst of the affair and do whatever seemed opposite of my gut feeling. That seemed to work for a long time. I am not sure now.
I still want to take the "relationship temperature" but when I think it through, I can't see how that will help. I am doing ok with my PMA and am generally happy. My suspicions and general nervousness is NOT affecting my mood like it has in the past so I am much more able to just live and put things out of my mind. There is no evidence suggesting she is seeing him again other than us not really making the progress I'd like, as soon as I'd like and that could be due to MANY different reasons, none of which are OM... or it could be OM, I don't know.
What I do know is that I have strayed FAR from my GAL and other DB goals. I am getting back to that. I started running again (W noticed I stopped working out just when our sitch started improving... $hit!!!). I started "doing my own thing" more often. I have started detaching more from her.
Yesterday was a good example. I was starting to mirror her moods again. Yesterday she was in a foul mood when I got home. Instead of getting upset that she was upset (my normal MO) I just stayed happy and eventually, her mood changed. She said she was just tired and we proceeded to have a pretty good, albeit distant night.
I can't deny that my frustration is growing but then again, things ARE improving, if not in cycles were she comes closer, then pulls back, then comes even closer than before. I just have to hope there is nothing external, i.e. OM, preventing things from moving faster and farther than they are.
That's about it. I am doing ok and getting better daily. I hope you all are doing the same. I'll try to catch up when I can.
