GH...another little warning....many of us here realize this and almost ALL of us see it in our sitch's.
The "trying" of the WAS. I think, to convince us, keep the "peace" and to convince themselves (most important) the WAS "tries" in the M. These are WEAK attempts to put effort into the R, while you are breaking your back in putting effort. I think it's so they can say "see, I tried and it STILL doesn't work...so I'm out." It's kinda this sabatoge that's sick. It's appeasing their minds, setting us for failure and soothing the guilt and most importantly, is the cloak to facing their OWN issues.
I think this is a phase/tactic that ALL WAS's use. A big realization came for me when H was seeing OW AND saying he was "trying. I thought "he's NOT trying, just trying to sabatoge and pretend trying" So, I stopped all back breaking efforts and just went into focus on me mode and put effort in the R as I would for a friend, only changes I wanted for me anyway...sustainable. I pulled back a bit, was happier in that, and fully acknowledged to HIM that his efforts were holding us back ("oh, so we can't go to dinner b/c you're "working late" no worries). No frustration, no expectations.
So, back to detaching a little more. You're still expecting a lot, I think. And just driving yourself crazy.
FINALLY, after all this time, my H (now coming through the MLC tunnel) is saying "I didn't put effort into our M...WOW, I said that? I saw you trying and wasn't receptive and WANTED to see it as insincere, too late, but I was just lazy and unreceptive."
