Nine Months and loosing ground

[MonicaP]

Hi MW,

I found your thread. I'm sorry you're going through all this, my prayers are with you.

I can definitely relate to the *hell* of infidelity and the impact of it on the children. When my H dropped the bomb last October I thought I would die. Of course I was devastated to be losing my H, but I was equally - if not more so - distraught about the impact our break-up would have on our S4. The first few months were a killer, at first I couldn't stop crying and the guilt I felt about doing that in front of my S4 was too much for me - I went on an antideprassant. It helps.

Since those first months and DB'ing, I have gotten a new perspective. I no longer feel completely devastated for my S4 - I think it's because I have decided to place my positive energy on supporting their R and I see it paying off. I do my best to ONLY deal with my H through our co-parenting responsibilities. I bring up all the cute things our S4 does, I make sure to give him some of S4's artwork, I make every effort not to undermine - but to raise up - H in S4's eyes.

Last February I proposed that we go to a MC for the sake of co-parenting and fortunately (and to my surprise) H agreed. I stuck to that committment and ONLY talked about our S4 in C. What happened was my H started bringing up our R. I went along with it, but never pressured or added anything that wasn't "called for".

Then - about 2 months ago - I snooped into a website link he had left (accidentally?) on my computer. I saw pic of Ow and H writing about how they met. I was sick. Eventually I said I wanted to stop MC. To my surprise he proposed we continue 1/mos. I found us a new MC (immensley better than the previous MC!) and we both have agreed we want to *understand* how this has happened.

The message I want my S4 to get is that - no matter what - I am going to do everything in my power to support his R with his daddy and I will not put him in the middle. I tell him that there is nothing he did and there's nothing he can do to change this - it's a grown-up problem that daddy and I are trying to make better.

I've read books on how to help my child through this and I pray a lot! I have found that my S4 feels safest when I am doing well and when I'm happy. My H comes several times a week (not always 100% consistently) to be with S. I think my S4 has adjusted to this "new normal" although he still misses daddy.

Well, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, I just wanted to share some hope.

It sounds like your W is *addicted* to R with Om and - just like a drug/drink problem - she will most likely have to hit bottom before she admits a problem. That's how I view my H anyway. No amount of pleading, seducing, reality-testing will snap him out of it, that's something that's between H and God. I actually use a little Al-anon daily reader which always gives the perfect message on how to deal with (detach from) my H.

Ok, sorry, I'll stop now...

Take care. Breathe. Pray. Let it all go. Love your kids. Love yourself.

We'll be ok