Is This Where I Belong?

[RedUmbrella]

wed and cat,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I've moved over here from MLC. So, I still check in with all (or most) of the threads there.

I've stopped snooping for the most part. I used to check all the time, to see what he was doing. It gets way to tiring to do it, so I force myself to not do it.

This is a new thing for me. I've been hurt before and had built a wall around me, for a long time. Until I met my H. I thought, no one can hurt me ever. Nor nearly as bad as I had been hurt in the past. I thought my H was there to save me. Plus he had always placed himself up on this pedestal telling me he would "never" cheat on me, never lie to me, etc. So, I had no reason not to believe him.

The anger that I have inside has subsided a little. Although this weekend it did come out again. I have to remember to keep it in check. I don't want my H to think that I will never let it go. I do know that he knows I don't necessarily trust him entirely. Which I think is the reasons behind constantly checking in with me.

Although, I do not call him anymore while he is out with his friends. I used, but not anymore. I make him check in with me, if he thinks about it.

This weekend was okay. We went to pick up SS10, he was visiting his Mom for the summer. So, the thing that got me off on the wrong foot was MIL. Arrgh! She makes me so angry sometimes.

MIL believes everything that comes out of SS10's mouth. And I mean everything. He could tell her the sky was purple and falling, and she would believe him. So, in any case the first thing SS10 asks me is if he can now have an allowance. I told him that he didn't keep up his end of the deal. (he was supposed to behave at his Mom's...he didn't! He was horrible!) And MIL butted in and said no SS10 was perfect and his Mom was the whole problem. She basically screamed at me about it. I was so angry after that, and I held onto it more than I should have. I didn't feel I should have been berrated by someone that didn't really know what was going on.

So, anyhow later that night H and I went out with H's cousin and his gf. And their friends. I gambled most of the night alone. I was so angry that I didn't want to project that onto anyone. Then we all headed back to H's cousin's house. In the meantime cousin's gf got jealous because I guess cousin's friend's gf was flirting with cousin. They got into a huge fight, and thus cousin's gf decided to flirt with everyone. Including my H! H spent the majority of the evening with cousin's gf, talking. Gf was flirting, I was pissed! So, that was a mess!!! Cousin's gf disappeared once she realized that I knew what she was doing. I felt so stupid afterwards.

Sometimes the anger that I have creeps up on me. And jumps out of no where. I did apologize to H about my behavior. H did admit that he knew cousin's gf was flirting with him. I thought to myself then why the heck didn't you walk away! Plus cousin was right there!!!!

Although I have to applaude H for doing his best to keep me satisfied. H kept checking in with me during the evening giving me lots of hugs and kisses. Telling me ILY, so I felt like an a@$ when I fouled it up with my green eyed monster! H got a little angry with me about it. I wanted to apologize, but he wouldn't let me. I ended up in tears. H apologized because he said I should be angry not him. H had too much to drink, and wasn't necessarily thinking straight.

I don't know. H told me I was short with everyone this weekend. Which I am sure I was. I just don't know what to do. It takes a lot of energy, and I am tired. Just plain tired! I'm sorry if this is all jumbled. I am all jumbled right now.

I should apologize to H for being short with him this weekend. I'll have to do something nice...when I get home from work.

P&S